Navigate Dating App Burnout
Photo by Jonas Leupe via Unsplash
Hinge, Bumble, Her, Tinder, Grindr, OKCupid—when did finding a partner start to feel like a full-time job? Online dating is marketed as making dating easier for people with a busy lifestyle and it introduces some magic to your day-to-day. After all, you could meet the love of your life while on the train or waiting for your coffee order. And there’s this initial feeling of excitement that comes with setting up your first dating profile—the spike in dopamine when you get a match, the anticipation of your first few dates, the butterflies of meeting someone for the first time. It can feel electric.
Unfortunately, for many people that excitement is short-lived. In some ways, the technology that was meant to make dating easier is making relationships and maintaining our emotional well-being more difficult. It’s not surprising that after experiencing multiple negative dating experiences, people are left with a sense of burnout.
Many of the people who I’ve talked to about modern dating have experienced dating app burnout at some point or another, even if they eventually found their partner through a dating app. Given how common this phenomenon seems to be, I started wondering: what exactly is going on psychologically when we experience “dating app burnout” and what can we do about it? I did a little digging into the research and here’s what I found.
First, it looks like dating app burnout may be caused in part by what I'd like to call the "grass is always greener" syndrome, or the perception that there is always someone better out there for you. Apparently, having too many options is a major detriment to dating because it can cause us to feel less satisfied with our matches and more disappointed in our overall dating experiences. Interestingly, feeling uninvested, unsatisfied, and thinking there may be a better person out there for you, is the perfect storm for lack of commitment.
Some studies have also suggested that having a time pressure to make a choice increases these negative experiences. Considering that the main age group of online daters are between their mid-twenties and mid-forties, it's not surprising to think that people in these age groups have cultural and societal pressures to find a partner quickly. These studies also show that when someone has to select a partner among many options, they experience a “reversibility effect.” Meaning that when someone selects a partner after being shown many potential partners, they feel less satisfied with their matches, and then want to reverse their decision. Maybe this, in addition to “serial swipers” who “swipe right” on everyone, explains why some people never reach out after matching. It turns out that finding “the one” among a sea of people is not so great for forming relationships.
This behavior leads us to the unfortunate phenomenon of “ghosting” and the “slow fade,” when a potential partner stops all communication or slowly fades away in an attempt to end the relationship. The rise of online dating, and perhaps the reversibility effect, has led to more people experiencing the effects of relationships ending with no warning or closure. These experiences are incredibly hurtful and lead to uncertainty, self-blame, and decreased self-worth. The ease of shopping for a partner can sometimes create a culture where people are treated as disposable, rather than human beings with real feelings.
Given this disposable dating culture, it makes sense why people often feel devalued on dating apps. Dating apps have depersonalized the process of finding a relationship. We have become consumers of love, choosing between faces and bodies, as we would choose gadgets while online shopping. Whole human beings often get objectified and reduced to their physical appearance, education, job, and a 500 character bio. Online dating, is in reality, a “market” where people are marketing the best versions of themselves and using feedback from “consumers” to determine their self-worth.
Lastly, dating apps unfortunately open a pathway for experiencing harassment and deceit, AKA “catfishing.” In fact, a study by the Pew Research Center found that over half of online daters have communicated with someone that misrepresented themselves on their profile. Another 28% reported that they were contacted by someone that made them feel harassed or uncomfortable.
This data isn’t intended to discourage you from online dating. In contrast, it’s meant to express that dating app burnout is real. There’s a reason so many people are feeling deflated, unsatisfied, hurt, and unmotivated trying to navigate the perils of online dating. Fortunately, there are ways to take care of yourself when using dating apps. Here are eight ways to start:
Limit your choices. It’s not uncommon for people to use multiple dating apps. Try reducing the number of apps that you are using at one time. If you are using an app that allows you unlimited swipes, try switching to one that limits your choices. In contrast, you could give yourself a daily swiping allowance.
Practice staying in the present, or mindful dating. If you’re feeling the pressure of finding a partner by a certain time, for various biological or personal reasons, try slowing down and focusing on the present. The stress of the present can be painful enough without the added pain of worrying about the future. If you’re on a date, focus on how you’re feeling and what you’re experiencing at that moment. If you find yourself drifting off into worries about the future, gently and without judgement, bring yourself back to the present.
Cut your app time. If you are finding yourself spending a lot of time on dating apps, try giving yourself some structure and guidelines (e.g. “I will spend x amount of time on the app each day.”). Set limits on what time you’ll be on the app. Should you be using the app right before bed? Research shows that using your phone before bedtime can often lead to sleep problems. Another great way to take care of yourself is to take a break from the apps altogether, and get back on when you’re feeling ready.
Create balance by engaging in values-based activities. Sometimes dating can feel like it is taking over your life. Try making an inventory of what you find important in life (e.g. family, friends, work, recreation, romantic relationships, etc.). Structure your week so that you spend time engaging with some of these values in addition to going on dates. For example, if you value physical health, spend some time making your favorite healthy meals. This might mean that you reduce the number of dates you go on in a week or month to accommodate your valued activities.
Practice self-care. In addition to engaging in values-based activities, practice doing things to soothe yourself. I personally love self-soothing with the five senses. This could be having a tasty treat (taste), lighting a scented candle (smell), getting a massage (touch), observing nature (sight), or listening to soothing music (sound). Exercising and getting enough sleep can also be great ways to engage in self-care.
Be your own cheerleader. It’s normal to doubt yourself after having negative dating experiences. When these doubts or negative beliefs about yourself come up, it may be helpful to take one of two approaches. If you recognize that these beliefs are unhelpful and hurting your self-worth, try making a challenging statement and a positive reframe (“Just because they stopped messaging me, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me. I am an awesome person!”). If you find that challenging a thought is not helpful for you, try mindfulness and acceptance of thoughts by noticing them and allowing them to pass like clouds in the sky.
Seek support from friends and loved ones. It can be helpful to talk to people about your experiences and to know that you are not alone.
Talk to a mental health professional if you need additional support. This may be particularly important if you’ve had experiences that you felt broke your physical or emotional boundaries. It can be helpful to process these feelings with a trained mental health professional. At Octave, we have trained clinicians who specialize in confidence-building to help you create a strong foundation to engage in a strong, healthy relationship.
Lastly, remember that dating apps do not determine your self-worth. It’s understandable why some people may experience burnout from negative dating experiences and it’s also important to remember that these do not define who you are as a person. You are a whole human being who is much more than the experiences you’ve had with dating. Unfortunately, there is no way of preventing people from ever feeling the stress that is inherent in dating, but hopefully by practicing these tips, you’ll be able to navigate online dating while prioritizing your emotional well-being.
Interested in learning more about how Octave coaching and therapy can support your emotional well-being while dating? Book a consultation to learn more.
Sources:
D’Angelo, Jonathan D., and Catalina L. Toma. 2017. "There are Plenty of Fish in the Sea: The Effects of Choice Overload and Reversibility on Online Daters’ Satisfaction with Selected Partners." Media Psychology 20, (1): 1-27.
Heino, Rebecca D., Nicole B. Ellison, and Jennifer L. Gibbs. 2010. "Relationshopping: Investigating the Market Metaphor in Online Dating." Journal of Social and Personal relationships 27(4): 427-447. doi: 10.1177/0265407510361614
Inbar, Yoel, Karlene Hanko, Simona Botti, and Thomas Gilovich. 2009. "Take it Easy: Removing Time Constraints Mitigates Choice Overload." ACR North American Advances 36:157-160.
LeFebvre, Leah. 2017. "Phantom Lovers: Ghosting as a Relationship Dissolution Strategy in the Technological Age." In The Impact of Social Media in Modern Romantic Relationships, edited by Narissa Punyanunt-Carter and Jason Wrench, 219-236. Maryland: The Roman and Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.
Rusbult, Caryl E. "Commitment and Satisfaction in Romantic Associations: A Test of the Investment Model." 1980. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 16(2): 172-186. doi 10.1016/0022-1031(80)90007-4
Smith, Aaron, and Maeve Duggan. "Online Dating & Relationships." 2013. Pew Research Center, Washington, D.C. https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2013/10/21/online-dating-relationships/.
Octave Health is the nation's first practice supporting all aspects of emotional well-being. The company offers personalized plans using the right combination of therapy & psychiatry, coaching & classes to best fit clients’ lives in a safe space that provides confidence and calm. Grounded in science, the Octave community enables clients to experience profound change that is just as measurable as it is meaningful.
by Steffany Torres, PhD
Therapist at Octave