Navigating Holiday Family Drama: When is it Actually Trauma?
Photo by Leonardo Borges via Stocksy
Holidays are seen as a time to spend with family. We idealize them as an opportunity to reconnect with loved ones while sharing meals and thoughtful gifts. The reality, however, is that holidays are repeatedly marred by drama in many families. Having just gone through a particularly fraught election season, holiday family drama is something that you might be dreading this year.
Holiday drama is normal in families and, when navigated with care, does not need to be unhealthy. Some families end up bonding over their shared realization of how unnecessary their fights were in retrospect.
But not all holiday drama and conflict can be dismissed as easily. Depending on family history and personal experience, holiday drama can perpetuate historic trauma.
When is family holiday drama actually an expression of trauma? Is it possible that family drama can even be a source of trauma?
What Does Normal Family Drama Look Like?
In any family holiday interaction, there is a moment that you may recognize that things are about to spiral. A sibling made a disparaging remark about the food your parents lovingly cooked. Your mom mentioned for the third time that you don’t visit enough. An uncle who you know loves to fight just started speaking about politics.
If this was a more intimate setting with just your closest family members, the coping mechanisms you use to avert conflicts would do their thing. Unfortunately, with a larger crowd, all of whom have their own history with each other, you realize there’s nothing you can do. An argument is about to break out, insults might be flung about, and there’s a fairly good chance someone will storm out.
It won’t be comfortable and feelings will be hurt. But ‘normal’ drama leaves no lasting scars. It often involves discussions on things like politics which aren’t personal. Alternatively, it might just be sibling rivalry flaring or a family member pressing the buttons they know will elicit a response.
Eventually, the drama will die down on its own or you or someone else will be able to take control of the situation. Some people may be assuaged while others may hold onto ill-feelings and grudges. However, in time, this drama will become another story to add to a laundry list of holiday fights.
If this reflects the holiday drama you dread, I don’t envy you. That being said, there is family drama that goes far beyond these kinds of aggressions.
When is Family Drama Actually Trauma?
Trauma refers to the impact a shocking event has on a person. Traumatic events can be sudden and unexpected, like a car accident, or persistent parts of a person’s life, like neglect or oppression. While non-traumatic events can be painful, their impact on a person tends to be fleeting, whereas traumatic events leave scars and can lead to mental health disorders, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
How can holiday drama be connected to trauma? In many cases, this happens because the source of the trauma is in childhood events or family dysfunction.
For example, a person returns to the childhood home in which they suffered abuse. Immediately, they feel tension within themselves and their familial relationships. At dinner, any disagreement already feels heightened. Since family members know better than anyone which buttons to push to trigger a response, the conflict escalates rapidly. Soon, the person is reliving the circumstances that led to the trauma, if not the traumatic event itself.
There are certain circumstances in which family drama is particularly likely to be caused by trauma.
A History of Abuse in the Family Dynamic
Abuse within one’s own home is extremely traumatic, whether it happened on one occasion or continually. This is true of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse, as well as the abuse of a family member.
Even if the abuser is no longer present, returning to the context can cause memories to resurface. Alternatively, feelings such as anxiety, shame, and anger can arise as a habitual response to the environment. This is the body and mind's attempt to protect the person by falling back on old coping mechanisms, no matter how inadequate they may have been.
Identity-Based Trauma
LGBTQ+ people are at particular risk of reliving trauma in their childhood home or with their family of origin. They may have spent years or decades hiding their identities, ashamed and fearful of being ‘found out’. This doesn’t necessarily reflect the response of their families to their identities. Even in the most accepting household, societal expectations can cause someone to continue hiding who they are from their families.
In cases where the person did not face rejection from their family members, the home environment can still be a trigger for the feelings of shame they felt while keeping their identity secret. For those who did experience rejection and abuse, returning to the home or family can be particularly painful.
Unfortunately, while there is more acceptance of LGBTQ+ identities today, many people still hold prejudices against those they perceive as different. Snide remarks from family members or guests at the dinner table can lead to fights that cannot be dismissed as typical holiday drama, but rather represent the continuation or resurfacing of trauma.
Family Dysfunction
Dysfunction in a family can stem from a number of sources. A parent who themself was a child of neglect may raise their own children with similar neglect. Undiagnosed mental illness in one or both parents can lead to chaotic households that feel unsafe. Divorce or the death of a parent can leave the family struggling with a situation they were not prepared for.
Addiction is a common cause of family dysfunction, as the addicted family member might lie and manipulate others. Different members of the family take on different unhealthy roles like that of an enabler or rescuer.
Many people who grow up in a dysfunctional family have to leave to build a functional life. Their parents and siblings may continue to perpetuate the same patterns, setting the stage for resurfaced trauma when the person returns.
Even in families that have resolved their dysfunction, big gatherings can trigger old feelings. Family members might fall back into patterns they left behind long ago.
Partners from Different Backgrounds
Drama that seems innocuous to family members can be traumatic for their partners. This is especially true when the partner has a different ethnicity or culture to that of the family. Someone at the table may not recognize that what they consider a political comment may actually be dehumanizing or distressing to others.
Many Americans have experienced the trauma of racism, whether as the victim of a hate crime or due to the disadvantages caused by systemic racism. Experiencing racism from the family of their partner can be particularly jarring.
How Does Family Drama Caused by Trauma Play Out?
Family holiday drama plays out differently when it is caused by trauma. There are two broad types of scenarios.
Unintentional Family Drama
In many cases, drama that is rooted in trauma is started without forethought or malice. Families which share a history of trauma can fall back into old patterns no matter how much time has passed. Even when individual family members have done work to resolve the lingering effects of the trauma, a reunion can bring strong feelings flooding back.
Someone around the table might bring up a sensitive subject without realizing what they are doing. Different family members are triggered by their own experience of patterns or events, after all. The conversation quickly spirals into a fight, old wounds are reopened, and those with the best intentions end up hurting each other.
Intentional Family Drama
Sometimes, however, the trauma is unresolved for one or more family members. In these cases, the drama might be intentional. A person who holds resentment might take the opportunity of having everyone together to start a fight. This may be their own unhealthy way of trying to find resolution, but inevitably just rubs salt in old wounds.
Bigotry is another source of intentional drama. There may have been some resolution to tension surrounding a person’s identity in the home, but that doesn’t mean everyone has come to terms with it. A family member who holds bigoted attitudes might make pointed remarks, implicitly or explicitly attacking another on the basis of their identity, resurfacing some of the most painful trauma.
How Do You Protect Yourself From Family Drama Caused by Trauma?
Family holiday drama tends to be resolved fairly easily. Once the holiday is over and people go back to their independent lives, the tension dissipates. If people hold grudges, they simply avoid those who were part of the conflict.
Drama caused by trauma, on the other hand, can leave a person feeling out of sorts for days, weeks, or even months after the event. If you have a history of trauma that might be triggered during the holidays, how do you protect yourself?
There are a number of strategies you can use to prevent holiday drama from impacting your normal life.
Set Boundaries Beforehand
Families with a history of trauma often lack boundaries. This is why it is crucial to set your own private boundaries beforehand. Determine:
what time you plan to leave
which behaviors are unacceptable and should trigger an early exit
how to discern between someone breaking your boundaries and your own heightened sensitivity to triggers
Plan Your Safeguards
Setting boundaries is a start, but it is difficult to enforce those boundaries in the moment. It is therefore crucial to plan some safeguards to get you out of spiraling situations. Decide:
who you can reach out to for support, whether that is your partner or a family member who ‘gets’ you
where you can go to get some space from people or situations triggering traumatic memories, intentionally or unintentionally
what item you can bring for comfort. This could be something that soothes you or simply a distraction such as an app on your phone
how to leave if necessary. Without an exit strategy, it is tough to remove yourself from the scenario. You may need to prepare what to say, how to get home if you don’t have your own transport, and what to do if you’re not in a state to drive. You may also need strategies to respectfully decline the intervention of family members who are trying to get you to stay
Choosing Your Wellbeing Over Family Trauma
Families can surprise you with their growth and change of attitudes. However, when you have repeatedly experienced traumatic holiday drama in the past, it might be necessary to choose your wellbeing and avoid gatherings entirely.
You don’t need external validation or justification for your decision. But, if you are unsure whether or not to withdraw, consider the following:
Have they shown evidence of growth or apologized? If someone has repeatedly hurt you, especially if it was based on a rejection of your very identity or how you live your life, protecting yourself from them takes precedence over playing nice. Maybe they have grown, but without evidence of this or an apology, you have no responsibility to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Can you predict exactly how the holiday will go? Patterns play out due to behaviors and feelings that have become habitual. If the same thing happens every single holiday, leaving you with feelings that significantly impact your life after the event, you might choose to avoid putting yourself back in the same position.
Do they project their own sense of victimhood on you? Empathy is an important trait to work on, but it does not involve bringing yourself down. On the contrary, empathy requires strong boundaries if it is to prove an effective way of connecting and helping those you love. If your family regularly pulls you into their drama, demanding your sympathy and causing you to share their struggles, you are not helping anyone by biting the bullet.
Resolving Holiday Family Trauma
Families are complicated and holidays can bring out the worst when there is shared trauma. For some families, this is a pattern that will perpetually play out and there is little you can do. Other families may have the capacity to work towards resolving that trauma. However, the holidays are probably not the best times to try to find a resolution.
Family therapy can play a huge part in resolving trauma both for the individual and the family system. If your family is willing to go to therapy, bring up the possibility during a less tense time of the year. By speaking to a therapist who specializes in family therapy, you can deepen your closest relationships and prevent future conflict and drama.