Post-Coming Out Depression: What It Is and How to Cope
Clinically Reviewed by: Carlos M. Flores, LMFT
Written by: Janelle Martel
It's normal to feel anxious about coming out. You may worry about how friends and family will respond. But you might not consider how you’ll feel afterward. While some people feel relief and joy after coming out, others feel let down, confused, or emotionally exhausted. You might even experience symptoms of depression, like fatigue and difficulty sleeping. In this article, we’ll talk about why depression can happen after coming out, what feelings you might experience, and healthy habits to introduce to help you cope as you transition into living a more authentic life, including seeking therapy services.
What is Post-Coming Out Depression?
Post coming-out depression is defined as the emotional low or depressive state that follows identity disclosure. While depression after coming out is often overlooked, it’s a valid mental health phase. Before coming out, you might experience anxiety about how people will react. But, it’s also important to keep in mind that it’s not unusual to feel down, tired, and even numb after coming out.
Why Depression Can Follow the Act of Coming Out
There are several reasons why you might experience depression after coming out.
1) The “Letdown” Effect After a Major Emotional Event
After any major emotional event, including coming out, you might experience complex emotions. Sometimes, we have high expectations about how something is going to go, and reality doesn’t always align with these expectations. You might have hoped that coming out would bring relief or happiness. If it doesn’t, then you might experience emotional fallout after coming out.
The lead-up to and the experience of coming out can also require a lot of emotional, mental, and physical energy. Afterwards, you can feel tired or emotionally numb. It may take a while for your body to readjust.
2) Experiences of Rejection, Silence, or Invalidating Responses
The type of responses that you get from coming out can also impact your mental health. You might feel a sting from conditional acceptance or a lack of acknowledgment. A lack of support can also cause you to feel alone. Some people may also have been raised in a home or exposed to certain messages that are not accepting of the LGBTQ+ community. This can create internalized homophobia that can lead to feelings of shame or self-doubt. If you’ve experienced any type of coming out trauma, help is available.
3) Identity Integration Takes Time
While coming out can seem like a major milestone, it’s not the end of the journey. After you’ve come out, you’re undergoing a time of major transition. And, sometimes, the internal work you’ve done and the external reality don’t always align. Integrating into your new identity can take time as you develop new relationships and join new communities.
Common Signs of Post Coming-Out Depression
Symptoms of depression in LGBTQ+ individuals after coming out might include:
Low energy or emotional numbness
Withdrawal from supportive communities
Negative self-talk or identity doubt
Sleep disruptions or irritability
You might also develop symptoms of clinical depression, which include:
Persistent sadness or emptiness
Lack of interest in activities that were once pleasurable
Changes in eating or sleeping habits
Fatigue and low energy
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Physical symptoms like headaches and upset stomach
How to Cope with Post-Coming Out Depression
If you’re dealing with depression after coming out, you’re not alone. In this section, we’ll detail some ways to cope with how you’re feeling.
Validate Your Experience Without Shame
When you deny how you’re feeling, it can sometimes make things more intense. Recognizing that how you’re feeling is normal and knowing that you’re not the only one who has had these feelings can be helpful. Emotional shifts after vulnerability are common. Writing your thoughts out in a journal or talking to someone can help you recognize and validate your feelings.
Connect with Affirming People and Places
Connecting with affirming people and places can help you feel comfortable in your identity and connect you with people who have gone through similar experiences. One way to do this is by seeking out LGBTQ+ communities and support groups. There are both online and in-person options, depending on your comfort level. Some people feel more comfortable connecting online, and it can also be helpful if there isn’t a large LGBTQ+ community where you live. In addition to support, connecting with others can also help you feel less isolated in your experience.
Some LGBTQ+ mental health support groups include:
TrevorSpace, an online social community for LGBTQ+ young adults aged 13-24
CenterLink, a directory of LGBTQ community centers, many of which offer in-person support groups
PFLAG Connects: Communities (PCC), virtual, moderated chats for LGBTQ+ individuals and their family members within the Latino, Black/African American, Asian American, and Pacific Islander communities
Local community centers, colleges and universities, and religious organizations also frequently offer groups and other resources.
Seek Support from LGBTQ+-Affirming Therapists
Therapy can be a tool for emotional integration and self-acceptance. Because LGBTQ+ individuals experience challenges like coming out, facing discrimination and stigma, and possible family rejection, working with a therapist who understands and validates these experiences is important. Research shows that LGBTQ+ people in affirming therapy feel more positive about their experience. They also report lower stress, less depression, fewer panic attacks, and reduced social anxiety. Octave’s therapists can help to support your healing while respecting your identity, especially those who are part of the Queer Resiliency Center of Excellence - a focused group of licensed providers who have extensive training, knowledge, and experience in treating LGBTQIA+ clients.
Explore Identity-Affirming Therapy
Express What You’re Feeling
Expressing how you are feeling is an important part of self-care. Journaling, art, and movement can be accessible outlets for processing. One study showed that writing about a traumatic or stressful event related to being a sexual minority helped to reduce depressive symptoms. Art therapy is another researched method that can help with processing trauma and expressing emotions. Some studies also suggest that art therapy can help to improve overall well-being during the coming out process.
The way that you express yourself is unique to you. Some additional ways to express how you’re feeling include:
Listening to or performing music
Dancing or other types of performing arts
Attending Pride events
Other types of writing, such as fiction or poetry
Advocating for rights
Practicing mindfulness to identify emotions
Participating in cultural or religious practices in an affirming way
Sharing your feelings with friends or family members, or in a support group
Healing Takes Time–And That’s Okay
Coming out can be a traumatic experience and can involve many complex emotions, like grief and anxiety. While coming out can result in positive feelings like self-acceptance, improved mental health, and stronger relationships, this can take time. As your identity grows, ensure that you are showing compassion to yourself by practicing self-care and seeking help when needed. It’s important to avoid comparison or rush the emotional process. It’s also important to note that healing isn’t linear; as you work through emotions, it’s normal to feel better at times and feel unsure or anxious at other times.
Where to Find Help Now
Dealing with the emotions and feelings of depression that can come up after coming out can be tough, but there is help available:
Octave’s Inclusive Therapist Directory, a database of affirming therapists who have experience working with LGBTQ+ individuals both online and in-person
The Trevor Project, a non-profit focusing on crisis intervention and resources for LGBTQ+ youth. Offers 24/7 crisis chat through phone, text, or chat, as well as an online social community
LGBT National Help Center, a non-profit that offers four hotlines, including LGBT National Hotline, National Youth Talkline, National Senior Hotline, and Coming Out Support Hotline.
Trans Lifeline, a trans-led organization that offers a peer support hotline.
PFLAG, the largest family and ally organization. Offers virtual support group meetings and local chapters.
You Don’t Have to Process This Alone
If you’re feeling depressed after coming out or are navigating tough or complex emotions, you don’t have to process this alone. A trained therapist can provide a safe space for you to navigate these tough emotions and learn positive coping skills.
Talk to a Therapist Who Understands LGBTQ+ Identity Challenges