How to Respond to Gaslighting

When you’re on the receiving end of gaslighting, you may start to ask yourself: Is it actually harmful for my partner to change a few small details about our fight? Maybe my parents are just minimizing my feelings because I’m too much to handle?

Being given a cold shoulder or switching up details of the truth may seem innocent. But when the underlying intention is manipulation, it can throw you for a loop and cause you to distrust yourself.

If you’ve been gaslit, you’ve probably felt helpless and frustrated. Whether it’s a distortion of the truth, facing a denial of something you experienced, having your feelings minimized, or being unfairly blamed, it can be distressing. It can also become so intense you start to believe the lies, and your perception of reality slowly twists.

Here are strategies that you can use to cope with this form of emotional manipulation, both in the moment and after the fact.

Practice Assertive Communication

While assertive communication won’t solve gaslighting, it can minimize the extent of the harm.

  • Be Clear: Use “I” statements to share your feelings. For example, saying “I disagree” rather than “You’re wrong.”
  • Be Controlled: Articulate your perceptions and experiences without becoming overly emotional. Phrases like "I know what I saw/felt," or "That's not how I remember it," can help reaffirm your experience.
  • Be Confident: Practice assured body language by staying attentive with eye contact.  Standing tall or sitting up straight during these conversations can also challenge this power dynamic. 

Leverage Unilateral Enforcement 

Establishing clear boundaries can be effective if they can be enforced by just you, and you don’t need their buy-in. This is known as unilateral enforcement. 

You can say: “If you keep calling me while I'm at work because you're upset, I will put my phone on silent until my work day ends.” Firmly communicate what behavior is unacceptable and what you’re not willing to tolerate. 

Apply the Gray Rock Technique

Using the Gray Rock Technique involves becoming emotionally unresponsive and boring to the gaslighter, making it less rewarding for them to continue their behavior. Keep responses brief, neutral, and non-engaging if it feels safe to do so. Responses like "Okay," or "Interesting," can help protect your emotional well-being and disempower attempts to control the narrative. If you notice the person getting angrier by these responses, it’s best to remove yourself from the situation and revisit the conversation once they’ve settled down. 

Use Disengagement Tactics 

When faced with persistent gaslighting, it may be necessary to mentally disengage from the conversation or interaction altogether. Phrases like "I’m done discussing this,” or, "We’ll just have to agree to disagree," can give yourself space to regroup.

Recognize the Impact on Your Well Being

While you may suspect gaslighting is harmful to your well-being, the toll reaches far beyond the moment and can lead to significant psychological distress.

  • Emotional turmoil like confusion and frustration. The relentless undermining of one’s perceptions can foster a pervasive sense of uncertainty, leading to questioning your own sanity and judgment. 
  • Mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety. Psychological intimate partner violence has also been shown to be a major predictor of post traumatic stress disorder, especially in women. 
  • Loss of trust in oneself, but also distrusting others. The gaslighter's manipulation may lead the victim to question the intentions and honesty of friends and family members, fostering isolation.
  • Low self-esteem due to constant criticism and invalidation which chips away at your belief in your abilities and value, fostering feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
  • Disconnection from reality, or psychosis, in extreme cases of gaslighting. As victims struggle to discern truth from fiction, the relentless distortion of facts and events blurs the lines, leaving feelings of disorientation and disconnection.

It may seem obvious to assess the impact on your well-being, but it can be crucial for determining next steps within the relationship. 

Find Supportive Outlets as Needed

Therapy or counseling can be helpful in processing the emotional and mental impact of gaslighting. A therapist can: 

  • Validate your experience.

  • Work with you to address the behavior in the relationship.

  • Find coping strategies for the emotional turmoil, loss of trust, and disconnection from reality.

  • Work with you on creating a positive self-talk routine.

  • Discuss a plan for either remaining in the relationship, or leaving altogether. 

It’s also beneficial to reach out to trusted friends and family members for guidance and support. Sharing your experiences with empathetic listeners can help validate your feelings and provide perspective.

Resources

If you or someone you know is in a psychologically manipulative or physically abusive relationship, there’s help out there: 

One Love Foundation

One Love Foundation is a national nonprofit with the goal of ending relationship abuse. They empower young people with tools and resources to see the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships and bring life-saving prevention education to their communities.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

The Hotline has highly-trained, expert advocates that offer free, confidential, and compassionate support, crisis intervention information, education, and referral services in over 200 languages.

Call 1-800-799-7233

The National Dating Abuse Helpline

This helpline offers 24/7 information, support, and advocacy to young people between the ages of 13 and 26 who have questions or concerns about their romantic relationships. They also provide support to concerned friends and family members, teachers, counselors, and other service providers through the same free and confidential services via phone, text, and live chat.

Call 1-866-331-9474

Domestic Violence and Housing Technical Assistance Consortium, Safe Housing Partnerships

The need for safe and affordable housing is one of the most vital and immediate concerns for survivors of violence and abuse. Black people, Indigenous people, and other person(s) of color are overrepresented in homeless populations due to structural racism, historical measures, network impoverishment, and other racial disparities across systems.