Radical Acceptance

Imagine this…

You’re going in for your yearly review at work. You really feel you’ve stepped up and earned a promotion this year, and you’re feeling so optimistic that you started mentally planning your celebration a little bit. You go into your review and are given a lot of positive feedback and encouragement that your efforts have been noticed. However, you find out you will not be getting promoted and are provided feedback on a few areas that still need improvement to be considered next year. You feel crushed, disappointed and angry.  

The Rejecting Response: you spend the next few weeks consumed by thoughts like “This is so unfair, I worked so hard for this. No one appreciates the work I do. Whatever this job sucks anyway, I shouldn’t be so upset.” Instead of letting yourself feel disappointed and vulnerable, you turn to anger and detachment from caring.

The Accepting Response: You let yourself experience the disappointment and sadness. Because you are connecting with your feelings, you are also able to talk about them and seek out support from family and friends to help improve your mood, and maybe turn towards choices that will help you get that promotion next time. 

Emotional and physical pain are unavoidable as a human being. But suffering is not. Radical acceptance is the path out of unnecessary suffering by accepting pain, rather than rejecting the reality that pain is happening.

Radical Acceptance - what is it?

There are many different ways to respond to life’s painful events and emotions. Pain can’t be avoided, and in many ways, it is an important signal that something is wrong, or that action needs to be taken. 

However, sometimes we are so unwilling to experience unpleasant emotions or circumstances that we engage in frantic efforts to push them away -- avoiding or behaving in ways that are often inconsistent with our values and goals, such as numbing out, using substances, giving in to impulsive behaviors, or ignoring problems until they blow up in our faces. This only heightens and reinforces our misery.

There are some misconceptions about what “acceptance” means.  Let’s unpack a few myths that might be getting in the way of practicing Radical Acceptance: 

MYTH: If I accept reality it means I approve of what’s happening. 

FACT: If I accept reality, it means I accept the facts as they exist whether I like them or not. 

MYTH: Radical acceptance is anti-change, or giving up. 

FACT: Radical acceptance is the first step towards change. We can’t change something we do not accept. 

MYTH: Acceptance means you failed.

FACT: Acceptance means you let go of a strategy (i.e rejection) that never actually worked to begin with 

Check out the video below for another view on this topic:

As the video suggests, difficult things  in life are going to show up , and you will experience uncomfortable emotions. Period. 

Emotional and physical pain are unavoidable as a human being. But suffering is not. Radical acceptance is the path out of unnecessary suffering by accepting pain, rather than rejecting the reality that pain is happening.

Tools

Practicing Acceptance

A helpful way to start to detach from the mindset that we can somehow “control” our emotions is to think of emotions as similar to the weather. There will be beautiful sunny days, and sometimes it is just going to rain (and we actually need rain for things to grow and stay healthy). 

No amount of mental gymnastics is going to change what mother nature has in store for us. When we learn to accept, we can then proactively problem solve, dress accordingly, and pack that umbrella.

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How do I get better at Radical Acceptance?

First we need to recognize that we are struggling with or fighting reality as it exists. Some examples of rejecting thoughts are:

• “I want to get rid of these thoughts/feelings/memories”

• “I want to control how I feel” 

• “I just need to get over this” 

• “I shouldn’t be this upset.”

Next,  ask yourself:  Have these thoughts or efforts to reject the unpleasant situation/emotion actually ever CHANGED it or made you feel better?  Nope.

• In many ways this can make painful situations worse and cause suffering. Perhaps the emotion is trying to signal something to you. When you try to silence the messenger you could be missing out on the information you need to take steps to ultimately start feeling better. 

 Now that we’ve established that rejecting reality doesn’t help improve the situation OR make us feel better, we can instead replace this self talk with more willing/accepting statements: 

• “This is going to be difficult and I am willing to go through it.” 

• “This makes sense even though I don’t like it”

• “I can feel this way and still do what needs to be done.” 

• “I can make room for whatever feelings I may have.”

If you find yourself struggling with this, your therapist or coach can help you start to sort through what can be changed and what needs to be accepted. With time and practice, you may be surprised at how freeing it can be when you stop fighting reality and resulting internal experiences, and start to work with instead of against them.