Sensate Focus

Imagine this…

Do you ever find yourself holding unexpressed desires or secret frustrations within your sex life? Do you find yourself bored, stressed, or otherwise dissatisfied with your intimate connections? 

The dominant culture  in the United States teaches us that sex is taboo and uncomfortable to discuss.  And yet, we are also told that sexual intimacy is a critical aspect of healthy adulthood, and if we don’t have it, there is something wrong with us. 

How can  we decrease the anxiety, stress and stigma around sex so that we can cultivate the kinds of partnerships and relationships we want?  How do we quiet the thoughts in our heads and instead pay careful attention to the present moment of physical connection?

Sensate Focus - what is it?

The technique of Sensate Focus was initially developed as a sex therapy technique by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s. It involves a series of behavioral exercises that couples do together in order to enhance their intimacy and connection.  This approach helps partners take mutual responsibility for creating a sex life that is comfortable, satisfying, and not stressful.

The goal of Sensate Focus is to reduce the performance anxiety and increase communication for intimate couples. Many times these two experiences change how a couple functions sexually. Sensate Focus can be used for people experiencing pain during sex, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, arousal disorders, lack of desire, and desire disorders. After a couple has been checked out by a doctor and there are no medical findings for sexual dysfunction, Sensate Focus can be a good place to start exploring other pressures that may be impacting them.

Why is it important to know about this?

Do you feel there is something missing in your sexual life?

Do you wish you could quiet intrusive thoughts during sex?

Do you have trouble being present in intimate moments?

A lot of couples struggle to maintain a sex life that is satisfying. Overtime as issues manifest, a couples physical intimacy can be a signifier of other issues.  This is really normal and sensate focus touch is a way to reconnect that is not about just sex. 

Sensate Focus is a therapy technique that is very simply this: mindfulness practice using touch. You know how mindfulness practice helps you stay focused on the present moment by having you pay attention to sensory information? And how the sensation may vary depending on which type of mindfulness practice you are doing? The same is true for focusing just on touch.

How do I work with this in my relationship?

People should feel emboldened to take control of their sex lives and have the kind of relationship to sex that they desire. 

Check out the information in the 'Tools' section below for an activity you can try.

Tools

Sensate Focus Exercise

There are seven elements that serve as the foundation of Sensate Focus. These are: 

1. Mutual responsibility between partners for addressing sexual needs and concerns

2. Information and education about sexual function and sexual activity

3. Willingness to change attitudes about sex

4. Getting rid of sexual performance anxiety

5. Helping couples improve communication around sex and sexual techniques

6. Reducing problematic behaviors and sex roles in the relationship

7. Homework to help couples change their sexual relationship for the better

Activity:

The activity of Sensate Focus is setting an assigned time to have with your partner. 

Sit in a space with no distractions and set a timer for 5 minutes.  Massage your partner’s hand and try to tune into the feelings of their hand and your experience of it. Trade places and think of how it feels to be cared for by your partner in this way. 

• What are the thoughts that are interrupting you from being present? 

• What would you like your partner to do? 

• How does it feel to be touched in this way? 

The goal is to increase time and change body part or remove clothing.  The duration, progression and experience is up to the couple to set. Couples are encouraged to not discuss outside of session and to bring their writings in after each week. 

For the next few sessions there will be an increase in time and change of body part of removing of clothing. These next steps should be discussed with your partner, in order to confirm comfort with the steps. The idea of Sensate Focus is not about orgasm or sexual pleasure.  Eventually, it will get there but it’s a slow build of mindfulness and presence.

If you have any questions or would like to dialogue about this further, bring it up with your therapist so you can explore your relationship with sex further.