Understanding Attachment

Imagine this…

You've been seeing someone for a couple of months and it is starting to get serious. This tends to be a tricky time for you in building romantic relationships because being intimate with others makes you uncomfortable... Uncomfortable to the point that you want to hide sometimes. 

From what you can  tell, it doesn't seem like other people you know share this challenge - in fact it is more common that you hear from friends how they want more attention and care than they get in most of their relationships.  

And then there are the people who seem to not have challenges one way or another. It all seems confusing and prompts you to ask yourself, how come there seems to be such different opinions and perspectives on intimacy and being in relationships?

Each of these points of view ranging from not being comfortable with intimacy and wanting more attention than from others than you receive, are important pieces of information as they can be helpful in identifying an attachment style.

Attachment - what is it?

Attachment theory tells us that humans crave emotional and physical “attachments” to others to create the sense of stability and safety required to adventure out into the world and develop our unique personalities.

Attachment “styles” are wide categories that describe the quality of those attachments: how we perceive and respond to intimacy in relationships.

Research shows that attachment is determined by many factors, including parenting styles, cultural contexts, biological and genetic factors, and past experiences.

Understanding our attachment styles can help us meet our human need for emotional and physical closeness.

What are Attachment Styles?

There are four major attachment styles that have been regularly researched:

• Secure Attachment: People who are “securely attached” are more likely to see others as supportive and helpful, and themselves as competent and worthy of respect; they relate positively to others and display resilience. They are good at taking the perspectives of others. A secure adult feels connected and trusting of others, while allowing themselves and others freedom within the relationship.

• Anxious-Avoidant Attachment: People with an anxious-avoidant attachment struggle with managing stressful situations; they are likely to withdraw and resist seeking help from others, which inhibits them from forming satisfying relationships. They tend to distance themselves from others to reduce emotional stress, and can show more aggression and antisocial behavior. This attachment style often develops in response to an environment where others are unpredictable or untrustworthy, and takes some work to un-learn.

• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: People with an anxious-preoccupied style are likely to lack self-confidence and seek high levels of intimacy and approval from their primary supports. They may display exaggerated emotional reactions and may feel anxious when then are not in contact with their attachment figure, and can turn to blaming themselves for an attachment figure’s lack of care. This attachment style often develops in environments where being extremely close was the only way to secure access to affection and support, or in contexts where the rest of the world was perceived as dangerous.

• Disorganized Attachment: People with a disorganized attachment style usually fail to develop an organized strategy for coping with separation distress, and tend to display aggression, disruptive behaviors, and social isolation. They are more likely to see others as threats than sources of support, and thus may switch between social withdrawal and defensively aggressive behavior. This style of attachment often develops in response to an extremely volatile childhood in which no one strategy ever kept a child safe from harm or shame.

Why is it important to know about this?

Becoming aware of these patterns can feel upsetting -- you might wonder if there is something wrong with you. But these patterns probably came to be for a good reason: your brain is simply using the information it has to try to predict what will happen in your relationships and react accordingly.

Simply observing how you react to potential threat and intimacy in your relationships can give you more power to slow down and make choices based on your values, rather than just reacting -- whether that means pushing yourself through a little bit of nervousness to ask for what you need, or choosing to be more patient with others.

How should I address my attachment style?

If working on your attachment seems like it would help you, it would be a great thing to bring up with your therapist who can help you by starting to exploring your attachment history and patterns. 

They can help you with looking at what factors might have led you to a certain pattern of relating to others, as well as past experiences, genetics, learned responses in your culture. When did (or do) those patterns actually serve a good purpose -- did some of those behaviors save you as a child, or get your needs met now? Where are those patterns no longer effective, or sometimes even backfire? Where do old habits or assumptions show up without you even noticing?  

If you can identify patterns in your attachment style, you can remind yourself in difficult moments that you might be reacting to a past experience, or an assumption about the future, rather than the actual current situation. This can help you stay calm and effectively get your needs met, and meet the needs of others.

Figuring out how attachment shows up in your life gives you power to make informed choices and start to build new habits and ways of relating and a therapist is a great advocate in that work.