Understanding Avoidance

Imagine this…

You were assigned a project at work that was simultaneously exciting and overwhelming. You know it is big and important for the company, and also gives you an opportunity to showcase skills and knowledge you have been wanting to demonstrate, but now that the work is upon you and you don’t know where to begin.

You feel stuck and unsure and rather than roll up your sleeves and get started, you look for, and take advantage of, any and all distractions… you clean your desk, you get a cup of coffee or a snack, check your inbox, respond to some texts, check social media… anything but getting started on this project.

This scenario highlights challenges with avoidance, something that we all do from time to time. On the one hand, it makes sense why we would want to avoid things that we don’t know what to do with, and on the other hand, we know that when we avoid things, we make them bigger, which makes us want to avoid them more, and thus the cycle continues.

Avoidance - what is it?

When used appropriately, avoidance can be helpful to regulate and manage emotions in the short term. Problems arise when avoidance becomes the go-to coping style, causing people to feel stuck and powerless in their lives. 

There are three main types of avoidance which we will explore more here: Cognitive, Emotional and Behavioral. 

How can I tell if I avoid things?

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do I feel like I’m often caught in the mental tug of war, trying to push away and not think about things that bother me?

• Do I have most days scheduled down to the minute?

• Am I uncomfortable with unstructured down time? 

• Do I find myself drinking more than I’d like just to quiet my mind? 

• Do I feel numb or like I’m functioning in autopilot most of the time? 

• Do intense emotions seem to come out of nowhere? 

• Am I feeling disconnected from friends and family? 

• Is it becoming more difficult to feel happy/excited about pretty much anything? 

• Do I try to push painful feelings away?

• Do I find myself drinking/using substances more than I’d like, just to numb out? 

• Am I living my life consistent with my values? 

• Do I make daily decisions based off fear or anxiety? 

• Do I shame and judge myself at night after another day passes without taking action? 

• Do I try to avoid situations that make me feel uncomfortable, even though I wish I didn’t have to? 

If you answered yes to any of these questions: avoidance may be at play. 

There are three main types of avoidance: Cognitive, Emotional and Behavioral. 

Cognitive Avoidance

What is it?:  Pushing away certain thoughts to avoid uncomfortable feelings. People often use distractions or compartmentalization to focus on other lighter parts of their lives to avoid stress or discomfort.  

What does it look like?:  Cognitive avoidance can feel like you are engaged in a tug of war in your mind:

An uncomfortable thought or memory may pop up, it causes discomfort, and we deploy energy and effort in shoving it back down. While sometimes this may be helpful, the effort it takes to constantly push away unwanted thoughts removes us from living our life in the present moment and leaves us chronically feeling “half there.”

Other times cognitive avoidance can be less obvious. It can take the form of over-scheduling and accounting for every moment of your day through work, plans, or chores. While this may look adaptive at the surface, often people have no connection with what is actually going on inside and experience significant discomfort with downtime.

Problems arise from this coping style: When we push unwanted thoughts away, it impedes our ability to effectively problem solve the issue we are avoiding. 

Emotional Avoidance

What is it?:  Avoiding uncomfortable emotions such as sadness, fear, or shame by using substances or dissociation. This can lead to emotional numbing which distances yourself from people or activities you once enjoyed. 

What does it look like?:  Emotional avoidance often takes the form of numbing or going through the motions of life without feeling connected to anything or anyone. 

Alternatively, people may experience waves of intense feelings they deem “unacceptable” or feel they are not “allowed” to experience, resulting in frantic efforts to immediately remove the discomfort (by ignoring, reassurance seeking, compulsive behaviors). 

​Problems arise from this coping style: When we put all our energy and efforts into suppressing uncomfortable emotions, we actually hinder our ability to fully feel and experience the positive emotions of which we want more.  

Behavioral Avoidance

What is it?:  Choosing behaviors or actions that help you avoid uncomfortable feelings. This may be cleaning your apartment instead of returning a call or avoiding social engagements to escape social anxiety.

What does it look like?:  Behavioral avoidance can take many forms. You may be very well aware of the fact that you are avoiding things or situations that you activate uncomfortable feelings (examples: dogs, planes, subways, public speaking, confrontation). 

Problems arise from this coping style: When the the avoidance starts to interfere with daily functioning and living a life consistent with our values. Also, it is often linked to feelings of guilt, shame, and negative self judgments. 

How can I decrease avoidance?

Incorporating mindfulness practice into your daily routine can start the process of being more in tune with what is going on internally, and support you in being better able to engage with the situation at hand.

​Check out the meditations below in the 'Tools' section to begin.

Tools

Mindfulness and Meditation

For Cognitive Avoidance:

For Emotional Avoidance:

For Behavioral Avoidance:

Avoidance can be challenging to overcome because in many ways it protects us in the short term from experiencing discomfort. Addressing all types of avoidance involves a willingness to experience unpleasant thoughts, behaviors and emotions in the short term, to hopefully make long term changes that improve our lives. 

You don’t have to do this alone, both therapy and coaching can provide support, guidance, and encouragement to nip avoidance and help you live your best life