Understanding The Inner Critic

Imagine this…

You set a goal for yourself to start working out at a gym. You get a bit of traction, feeling good about signing up for a gym membership and going twice in one week. Over the next few weeks, however, you manage to get to the gym a grand total of zero times.

Do any of these reactions sound familiar?  

• I berate myself, saying things in my head like, “I’m so useless, I can’t believe I couldn’t even sustain a measly goal like going to the gym twice a week. How pathetic,” or “If I can’t even get this right, why would anybody want to hire me or date me?  What a loser.”

• I blame myself for things that go wrong.

• I judge myself and feel ashamed about my failures.

All of these ways of responding are what we call the Inner Critic. It’s a self-attacking, judgmental voice that exists in the minds of every human being on this planet. Some people’s Inner Critic is loud, incessant, and ferocious, while others are more subtle.

The Inner Critic - what is it?

The universality of the inner critic suggests it serves a function. Research on the neurophysiology of emotion points to three primary emotion regulation systems: Threat, Drive, and Tend and Befriend.

When we are faced with a challenge or a risk of failure, our threat system can automatically kick in to try to protect us. Driven by shame and fear, the threat system floods the body with stress hormones and muscle tension, unleashing the Inner Critic.  That inner self-critical voice is simply trying to protect: to minimize the chances of failure, disappointment, exposure. 

For many, the threat system can be usefully activating: shame and fear can crack the whip and move people towards achievement or away from negative behaviors. Unfortunately, there is a big drawback: the threat system also activates avoidance and withdrawal, frequently leading to burnout, unsustainable outcomes, feelings of low self-worth, and anxiety and depression symptoms.

Fast-paced, achievement-oriented cultures tend to over-rely on the Threat and Drive systems and under-rely on the Tend and Befriend, or Compassion-focused system.

Inner Critic vs. Motivation

One of the key beliefs fueling the tenacious grip of the Inner Critic is the belief that it helps motivate us: that without it, we’d become that inadequate, weak, undesirable person the Inner Critic is so afraid of. 

On top of that, society tends to reinforce attention to what’s lacking, creating a feeling that “there’s just not enough” and “I’m not enough.” This culture of scarcity tends to activate the threat system, and thus we fail to take advantage of the rich treasure trove that the compassion-focused system can contribute towards growth and self-empowerment. The irony is that research increasingly indicates that the compassion-focused system tends to be more effective than the threat-focused system in sustaining positive outcomes over time.

Distinguishing Compassionate Self-Improvement from

Shame-Based Self-Attacking

Based on concepts from Paul Gilbert’s Compassion-Focused Therapy model.

Compassionate self-improvement is focused on:

• Builds on strengths

• Growth focused and forward looking

• Given with encouragement, support, kindness

• Driven by curiosity, desire to learn

• “I made a mistake”

• Increases chance of pursuit and sustained engagement

• Sets realistic expectations

For transgression

• Guilt, still grounded

• Open-focused, collaborative

• Reparation, engagement

Imagine: supportive teacher with a child who is struggling.

Shame-based self-attacking is focused on:

• Focuses on deficits

• Punitive and backward looking

• Given with frustration, contempt, disappointment

• Driven by fear of exposure, desire to condemn

• “I AM a mistake”

• Increases chance of avoidance and withdrawal

• Sets harsh and perfectionistic expectations.

For transgression

• Shame, fear, bodily tension

• Narrow-focused, defensive

• Aggression, withdrawal

Imagine: critical teacher with a child who is struggling

How do I deal with my inner critic?

The first step in addressing the Inner Critic is to understand its function: the mind’s attempt to protect you from the feeling of failure, disappointment, or shame.  Once you can have compassion for why the human mind is so prone to self-attack and the universality of this inner judge, it becomes a little easier to take a step back, observe, and develop a new relationship to the Inner Critic. Using the strategies below, you can turn down the volume on the Inner Critic so that it’s not bullying you or blocking out everything else.

Building a healthier relationship to the Inner Critic involves two main parts: 

1. Defusing from the Inner Critic and relying less on the Threat system for motivation

2. Cultivating the Compassionate Observer and relying more on the Tend and Befriend system.

Tools

Strategies to Tame The Inner Critic

• Name it: Picture that self-critical voice inside your head and come up with a name for it. It can be any name: Esmerelda, Joe, Aunt Sue; something more image-oriented like “Noisy Squirrel” or “Gremlin;” or something with a bit of humor in it, like “Gordon Ramsey” or  “Miranda Priestly.” Once you have a name for it, it becomes easier to spot the Inner Critic and defuse from it. 

• Start a curious conversation: You don’t need to get rid of the Inner Critic. Remember, the Inner Critic isn’t the enemy; it’s just trying to protect you, albeit in some misguided ways. Get curious about it.  Establish a conversation with it: “Miranda, what are you afraid of right now, what feeling [shame, inadequacy, etc.] are you trying to protect me from?” And then firmly place the Inner Critic wherever you think it should go: out of the driver’s seat, out of the position of calling the shots and bossing you around, but perhaps still making room for the Critic somewhere if you’d like.

• Activate the Tend and Befriend system: One of the best ways to reduce over-reliance on the Threat system (i.e., the home of the Inner Critic) is to deliberately engage in practices that activate the Tend and Befriend system.  These three meditations are some of our favorites for doing so:

The Befriending Meditation

Deliberately cultivate a feeling of friendship with yourself (as opposed to more reflexive feelings of frustration and adversary).

Begin Your Day With Warmth

Set the tone for the day ahead in a comfy and cozy way. 

Zap Others With a Kind Thought:

Go on a walk and try this one out!  This meditation involves simply zapping those around you with the simple thought: “Be Well.”

Getting curious about your Inner Critic and challenging your relationship with it can be a transformative process. Because society tends to reinforce the Inner Critic and distrust compassion-focused sources of motivation and support, the practices above may feel somewhat challenging, unfamiliar, or just cheesy at first.

Before judging the tools too much, give them two weeks of committed practice: name the Inner Critic; establish a conversation with it; and cultivate the under-used muscle of self-compassion using the meditations above.  After two weeks of committed practice, jot down what you have learned and what changes you notice.

Citations: 

• Gilbert, P. (ed) (2005) Compassion: Conceptualisations, Research and Use in Psychotherapy. Routledge.