Am I Codependent? 10 Characteristics to Look Out For
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“Am I codependent?” If you’re asking this question, you’ve probably noticed an imbalance in one of your relationships.
Maybe you feel that you give too much without reciprocation…or worry that you can’t stop taking from your loved one. This is a common concern for those seeking individual, couples, or family counseling.
Codependency exists on a spectrum, and it is not always an intentional dynamic. Rather, it evolves gradually, starting as supportive relationships before the lines become blurred and the person loses themselves in the other. As such, it can feel like an overwhelming issue to confront, especially if you long to rediscover a healthy way to love each other.
However, after working with dozens of clients in codependent relationships, I’ve seen just how effective therapy can be in kick-starting the process of changing unhealthy patterns. It's a massive relief to finally let go of the tension codependency has caused in their relationship.
But what does it mean to be in a codependent relationship? Isn’t it good to have your needs fulfilled in a relationship?
What is Codependency?
Codependency refers to the dynamics of a relationship in which two people have become overly intertwined. They unconsciously view themselves as incomplete parts of a whole rather than two independent people.
Although both individuals feel dependent on the relationship, they are using it to meet vastly different needs. The ‘taker’ becomes dependent on the ‘giver’ for all their emotional and physical needs. Meanwhile, the giver depends on the taker for their sense of self.
Codependent relationships often stem from a lack of boundaries on the part of one or both individuals. Healing from the psychological consequences of codependency must therefore go beyond the work the couple does within the relationship; it requires a personal journey to rediscover one’s independent identity.
It is worth mentioning that people in healthy relationships care deeply for each other and sometimes prioritize each other’s needs. We reach a gray area when one person prioritizes the other to the extent that they rarely or never prioritize themselves.
The good news is that with therapy you can work towards a positive sense of self and heal your relationships. To do so, you need to first determine if you are in a codependent relationship and how you got there.
What Types of Relationships Become Codependent?
Certain relationships are more likely to become codependent than others. Codependency is particularly common in:
Parent-child relationships
Romantic relationships
Families in which one or more members suffer from addiction
In these relationships, emotional boundaries can become blurred. With parent-child relationships, it can be particularly difficult to recognize codependency, as parents are expected to prioritize their child’s needs. However, codependency is about more than putting someone else first; it involves getting lost in their needs and struggling to let them handle their own responsibilities.
Traits of Codependent Relationships
Here are 10 characteristics to look out for if you think you may be codependent. Remember, for the following points, we’re talking about patterns of behavior rather than isolated incidents.
The relationship is imbalanced
In codependent relationships, an imbalance in power is a defining factor in most interactions. The giver almost always gives in to the taker, at the cost of their own needs. In contrast, the taker only compromises on rare occasions and does so on their own terms.
The giver can’t express negative feelings
People in healthy relationships don’t seek conflict. However, they understand that it is sometimes necessary. When it occurs, they trust that they will be able to resolve it. Sometimes, they will let an issue go, realizing that they are making a mountain out of a molehill.
In a codependent relationship, however, the giver always feels the need to avoid conflict, often by walking on eggshells around the taker. They fear expressing any negative feelings, no matter how minor.
The giver always apologizes
When conflict does happen in the relationship, the giver always feels the need to apologize, even when they know the taker was in the wrong. This is due to the guilt they feel for the taker’s negative feelings. They fear that if they don’t end the conflict, the relationship is at risk.
The giver absorbs the taker’s emotions
People in close relationships are impacted by the other person’s emotions. This can even happen when the closeness is circumstantial – roommates pick up on each other’s energy and intense feelings can spill over into the environment.
In codependent relationships, the giver almost always absorbs the taker’s emotions to a significant degree. When the taker is happy, they feel relieved. When the taker is in a bad mood, they feel down as well.
The giver feels responsible for the taker’s happiness
Making your loved one happy – and being made happy by them – should be an outcome of the relationship, rather than a duty. In a codependent relationship, the giver feels like they are failing the taker if they are not happy. The taker may agree, implicitly or even explicitly.
The giver justifies the taker’s bad or abusive behavior
Codependent relationships often occur when at least one member of the relationship is behaving in a dysfunctional or abusive way. If you’re spending time justifying your loved one’s bad or abusive behavior, this may be because you feel you need to protect the relationship, even if it is harming you.
The giver has no life outside the relationship
It can be easy to get caught up in a relationship, especially a romantic one that is new and exciting. However, this is usually temporary and doesn’t come at the cost of one’s social and independent life.
A giver in a codependent relationship might stop seeing friends and family, while only doing things the taker enjoys. When they are not with the taker, they begin to feel at sea.
The giver has an intense fear of rejection, negative feedback, and abandonment
Sensitivity to rejection is an aspect of a number of mental and behavioral health disorders. However, in a codependent relationship it happens specifically within the relationship. The giver’s sense of validation is tied to the taker. Any rejection from them is perceived as a value judgment.
The giver finds their self-validation in what they do for the taker
Connected to this is the sense of validation coming specifically from what one does for the other person. This is not just based on pride in one’s own selflessness or responsibility. The belief that the person is reliant on them is what offers validation, while also driving their guilt.
The giver values the taker’s feelings over their own
People in healthy relationships find compromise. Sometimes, they may have to agree to disagree, but both feel equally heard.
However, in a codependent relationship, one person’s opinions always supersede the other’s. The taker pressures the giver who feels it’s urgent to appease them to keep the peace. They may even feel guilty for having a different viewpoint.
Healthy Relationships: Codependency Versus Interdependence
All of the above characteristics of codependency are sometimes present in healthy relationships. In fact, outside of the context of codependency, certain behaviors are very positive. In healthy relationships, people take care of each other. They also find some validation in the relationship. Also, the fear of losing a loved one, whether by tragedy or rejection, is universal.
What makes codependency so unhealthy is the one-sidedness of the relationship and the extremes to which these behaviors are taken.
“What makes codependency so unhealthy is the one-sidedness of the relationship and the extremes to which these behaviors are taken.”
Healthy dependency in a relationship is called interdependency. What does this look like?
A person engaged in interdependent relationships has a moderate to confident sense of self and values. This helps them set boundaries.
They also have confidence in their role in the relationship. Whereas people with codependent traits unconsciously use dependency to protect themselves and the relationship, people in interdependent relationships rely on each other out of trust.
Because of this, they do not question themselves as intensely when they are making decisions or voicing their concerns. They know that if there are problems in the relationship, they will be able to work on them. And, since each person sees themselves as an independent whole, they will be able to leave the relationship if necessary, without feeling like they are losing their identity.
FAQ on Codependency with Gloria Magana, LMFT
Q: What’s wrong with putting the needs of others over your own?
Acts of selflessness are certainly an important and meaningful part of any relationship. You put the needs of a loved one over your own because of how much you care for them. But in a codependent relationship, these acts stem from a lack of boundaries. The giver loses themselves in the taker. They end up feeling unseen and unheard, as well as taken advantage of, leading to resentment. The taker may also begin to resent their dependency on the giver.
Q: Is being a people-pleaser the same as being codependent?
Many people will tell you they have people-pleasing tendencies. People-pleasing is a learned behavior, usually from excessive praise for considering others or excessive criticism when they did not do so. Being a people-pleaser can become exhausting and damaging to one’s self-esteem.
However, people-pleasers can maintain their own identity, while folks who are codependent have difficulty doing this. People-pleasing can become codependency, but it can also be integrated into a healthy, interdependent relationship. In fact, a lot of self-described people-pleasers place the most value on relationships in which they can be themselves without fear of rejection.
Q: Why do some people become codependent and not others?
Codependent relationships are not all alike. However, certain circumstances increase the risk that a person will become codependent.
Trauma
People who go through traumatic experiences sometimes develop a disconnected sense of self. They are hypervigilant about their emotions and doubt themselves. They find themselves out of tune with their intuition, both on a cognitive and physical level. They fear they will lose the relationship even when everything is fine.
Addiction
Codependency is common in families of people struggling with addiction. In some cases, the codependency preceded the addiction. In others, the lies and manipulation that are a symptom of addiction lead to codependency. The person battling addiction may use love as leverage. Their loved ones feel guilt for not ‘helping’ them with what they’ve asked for, eventually enabling them with financial or emotional support. This creates a vicious cycle, and the deeper the addiction goes, the worse the codependency becomes.
Low self-esteem
A person with low self-esteem has trouble seeing themselves as having inherent worth. Different people try to deal with this in different ways. Some hide, while others put on a persona. A person with low self-esteem who has often received praise for helping others may begin to do so out of a search for further validation. In a relationship, they begin to identify their worth in the other person’s reliance on them.
The taker in a codependent relationship may also have low self-esteem. They feel validated by the giver’s commitment to them. Taking is not just a matter of having their needs met, but is also seen as evidence that they have worth.
Q: Can codependent relationships be rescued?
Yes! A loving, non-abusive relationship between two people who are willing to put in the work can become healthy. It takes a journey both individually and together.
However, some codependent relationships are abusive. The taker may have created the codependency to take advantage of the giver. Alternatively, they may have started taking advantage of a codependency that was already there. In these relationships, the priority needs to be the safety of all parties. To ensure this, it is often necessary to leave the relationship.
Q: If I’m in a codependent relationship, what can I do?
A person must begin to appreciate themselves as a whole, independent individual in order to heal from codependency. The process is therefore about learning self-love. This facilitates the setting of boundaries, as the person gets a better understanding of where they end and others begin.
These are some tips to begin the process:
Education through reading credible sources: Self-love may sound like a vague concept that is impossible to quantify, but the field of psychology has found ways to identify healthy and unhealthy behaviors in this regard. While you can’t learn self-love in a book, by finding information from credible sources, you can better understand how to work towards it.
Individual therapy: A therapist will help you explore why you seek validation from your loved one. They will give you skills to build your capacity for internal validation, helping you remember what it is you love about yourself and that you deserve love.
Family/couples therapy: It is crucial that members of the relationship are working on themselves individually. However, if both (or all) members of the relationship are willing to work on it, family or couples therapy can help you rebuild together as well.
If your relationship has characteristics of codependency, a therapist can help you learn how to heal. Find a therapist now to begin your journey towards a healthy relationship with yourself and others.