Ask Octave: What If I'm Not Ready to 'Return to Normal'?
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Q: Everyone is talking about "returning to normal," but we're still in the middle of this pandemic! COVID-19 hit my family hard (we lost a loved one), so I'm not ready to pretend like everything is OK again. I feel frustrated and overwhelmed when I see people moving so quickly out of the COVID restrictions. Am I right to feel this way?
First off, I am so sorry that you lost a loved one to COVID-19. I hope you have been able to grieve your loss in ways that are healing for you. Being able to share the pain of loss with family and friends is often a vital part of the grieving process, but for many, it's been even harder than usual to grieve loss, due to pandemic-related restrictions on gatherings and travel. Despite these challenges, I hope you are still finding ways to connect with your family and friends to honor the memory of your loved one who passed away.
The concept of grief as a linear journey (i.e. five stages of grief) is a myth. Everyone grieves differently, processes loss differently, and develops a new relationship to the lost one differently.
Anxiety, anger, guilt, and survivor guilt are all very normal when grieving, and the COVID-19 pandemic magnifies all of those, given the fear and unknowns about the disease, ways people have died alone with family unable to be present, politicization of the pandemic, and confusing, conflicting approaches to managing the pandemic.
Your frustration and sense of feeling overwhelmed in seeing people go "back to normal" make a lot of sense. It has been really hard throughout the pandemic to balance our own level of comfort with risk with the varying comfort levels of friends, family, and neighbors. It may help to remind yourself that even the experts don’t always agree on the “right” course of action. Each person and family has to weigh the pros and cons of returning to “normal” and make their own decision.
Be compassionate to yourself in your painful feelings, validating them while taking actions that are helpful for you moving forward:
Take as much time as you need to relax COVID-19 safety protocols, if at all.
Let yourself be angry that people are returning to normal, while acknowledging when you can that you can only control your own choices, not those of others, who have different lived experiences and levels of risk tolerance.
Make space and connect with others to grieve your losses. It’s okay if your grief comes back at unexpected times, or manifests in ways that surprise you. Allow yourself to sit with that feeling for a few minutes. You might even practice some self-validation. You could tell yourself, “Of course, I am feeling X right now. I lost someone very dear to me.” After you’ve allowed yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling (even if that’s emptiness), go back to your day. If you were working, work. If you were playing, play. When your mind wanders back to the loss and grief, just notice and bring your attention back to what you are doing in the present. Don’t push the feelings away; just refocus on what you’re doing in the here and now.
If you need further support, finding your frustration and anxiety are making it hard to do the things in your everyday life that are important to you, or feeling stuck or depressed, please consider talking with a mental health professional.
I wish you healing and the time and space you need in that process.
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The information and resources contained on this website are for educational and informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any mental health condition. Participation in "Ask Octave" does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. The information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough mental health evaluation by a licensed professional.