Ask Octave: When My Partner Is Drinking, How Do I Gauge What’s “Too Much”?
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Q: As we stay home to avoid COVID-19, I notice my partner drinking a lot more. They claim it’s just out of boredom and they don’t see it as a problem, but I’m concerned that it’s become too regular of a habit to be healthy. How do I gauge what is “too much,” and what’s the best way to talk to them about this?
That beer on the couch after a long day of work is a classic American way to unwind. Cold drink, feet up, TV on. But as the pandemic continues to limit our social outings, many people have resorted to drinking more, especially at home.
If you’re concerned about your partner's increased drinking, it’s understandable. Heavy drinking among women (defined as eight or more drinks per week) increased 41 percent in the first several months of the pandemic, and experts worry that these unhealthy pandemic habits will continue long after it ends.
A drink every once in a while to cope with boredom can be harmless. If your partner really is drinking out of pure boredom, discuss what’s causing the boredom to begin with. Perhaps a new hobby or group activity fits into your lifestyle and can curb these feelings. Anything from yoga to video games – break that tunnel vision and explore! Approaching new activities as a couple is also a way to bond and give your partner the confidence boost to get out of that rut.
But if “once in a while” evolves to “more often than not,” it may be time to dig deeper.
What’s ‘Too Much’
According to health experts, moderate drinking for a typical woman’s BMI is one drink a day and for a typical man’s BMI, two drinks a day – anything more is considered heavy drinking. But the number of drinks isn’t the only indication that someone is drinking too much.
Aside from the amount your partner drinks, here are some other things to consider:
Are their relationships suffering?
Both interpersonal struggles and the loss of relationships could indicate there is a larger issue. This includes their relationship with you – are you fighting more or distancing as a couple since the increased drinking began? It's common for individuals who struggle with alcohol addiction to limit their social interactions to individuals who also drink because it rationalizes their use.
Is their life narrowing?
If your partner has started losing interest in activities they used to enjoy, that could be a red flag. Consider how they’re choosing to spend their time, such as if they’re moving away from previously held activities to redirect attention and time towards alcohol or optimizing their activities to include alcohol.
Are they losing control of their alcohol use?
Loss of control is characterized as drinking more than intended, which can include frequently getting drunk or blacking out. For example, if someone has made a goal to drink in moderation during social events and is then unable to stick to their goal, that’s a sign that they’ve lost control.
Are they having problems with work or academics?
Issues like poor performance, drinking during work hours, and frequent absences as a consequence of alcohol use (i.e. being too hungover) are all signs that there’s an issue. It can be easy to hide this kind of behavior from a partner and is usually one of the last signs.
Are they crossing legal boundaries?
It’s not just about getting caught by police. If you observe your partner doing legally questionable things – even if they get away with it – that could mean alcohol is impacting their life in a big way. This can include drinking while driving, disorderly conduct in public, getting into fights, or caring for dependents while intoxicated and compromised.
Someone can rarely drink and not meet the clinical criteria for heavy drinking and still be drinking too much. If your partner drinks once a year, but every time they drink they lose control and get a DUI, they likely have a substance use disorder (the clinical term of “too much”).
Opening Up the Conversation
If those signs resonate and you feel your partner is drinking too much, it’s a good idea to have a conversation with them about your concerns. This should be done when they’re sober and in a comfortable, neutral environment. In a safe, sensitive, and non-judgmental way, let them know that you see the struggles that they are enduring and ask them if they want support.
When talking to your partner, always come from your own perspective. Using “I” statements can prevent you from making hurtful accusations that can unnecessarily escalate the conversation. For example, “I’m worried about your drinking habits. I’m concerned that you may be struggling and I want to support you. Can we talk about this?”
This can be a great catalyst for small changes as well. Maybe limiting drinking to certain days or drinking mocktails in social settings instead of alcoholic ones. Identify the areas of life that have been negatively impacted by drinking. Focus on making small changes that easily integrate into daily life and can be realistically sustained. Consider talking with a therapist to learn effective coping methods.
Creating Your Own Support System
Substance use disorders are progressive, and as they grow in intensity, the negative impacts become more apparent – both for the user and those around them. Whether your partner decides to engage in their own treatment or not, you may want to consider getting support for yourself.
Working with a therapist who is knowledgeable in substance use disorders also can help you learn what forms of support are beneficial and what kinds of support are harmful. You will learn how to lovingly set boundaries and how to tend to your own emotional wellbeing and growth.
Open communication is the first step to addressing a substance use disorder. Often that first step is the hardest but it’s important to remember you don’t have to walk this journey alone. There are great resource groups and therapists that can support you throughout this process.
Resources
A great resource is the National Drug & Alcohol Treatment Referral Routing Service at 1-800-662-HELP. This nationwide organization will help your loved one find a treatment program in their community.
Organizations like Alcoholics Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous or NAMI are wonderful resources for personal growth, community, and peer lead treatment.
One organization I like to refer clients to is Al-Anon, a mutual support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking.
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The information and resources contained on this website are for educational and informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any mental health condition. Participation in "Ask Octave" does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. The information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough mental health evaluation by a licensed professional.