5 Pillars for Couples to Create Paths to Emotional Intimacy
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When it comes to romantic relationships, a lot is said about the importance of chemistry. We speak of it like magic, something that ignites when you first meet someone that makes you physically and emotionally connected in ways you don’t just find anywhere.
While yes, there’s definitely an element of chemistry in the physical connection, I’d argue that the emotional connection is less about magic and more about how willing two people are to build the intimacy needed to sustain a long-term relationship. Basically, it takes work from day one and learning the right skills makes it easier.
Let’s first define emotional intimacy and why it matters: Emotional intimacy, in a nutshell, is the experience of connection beyond physical connection to another person. It provides a foundation of knowing that we matter, that our existence is marked, that we are connected, safe and not alone.
Often we look for that in a committed partnership, but find ourselves not sustaining the connection and wonder, why? What changed? We may decide that it was just the wrong person and try again with someone else. Unfortunately, what emerges is a pattern of bouncing from one person to the other, feeling disappointed, and then internalizing that lack of success as something inadequate with ourselves.
Instead, think of what can happen when we recognize that emotional intimacy develops from a set of skills, which can be honed to help us be more successful in our relationships and that learning and using those skills requires grit, tenacity, and intentional effort. I like to call it the P.A.T.H.S. to Emotional Intimacy, which stands for Play, Acceptance, Trust, Honest Communication, and Safety.
Find Moments to Play
One thing we so often forget is what children intuitively know how to do – be in the vulnerability of joy!
Kids see their friends and dive right into sharing what they want – taking the risks of rejection, swinging on the bars, laughing, bringing energy, presence and enjoyment to their interactions. If someone wants to build a fort, the other joins in and celebrates the idea. They initiate and accept connection, support each other’s fantasies and laugh.
So many couples I meet become so immersed in identifying what is wrong in their relationships and trying to fine tune and fix what is not working, that they forget to participate in the bounty that is possible between them.
When couples start to celebrate each other’s dreams and fantasies, play games together, dance and sing, giggle and tease, and laugh, they bond! Laughter in and of itself promotes bonding. From a biological perspective, it swaps out the mighty cortisol with the far more friendly oxytocin, dopamine and endorphins, which increase our experience of empathy, increase joy, deepen the experience of shared communication and decrease pain, a sense of isolation, tension and overwhelm.
Too often, couples get caught up in the seriousness of being productive, managing a house, or seeking solace in their partner, that they forget to make it pleasurable. Instead, think about ways that you can find your joy in your partner and dive in. Celebrate their openness to sharing their kink or other sexual fantasies, engage fully in activities like cooking or dancing together. Build on each other’s aspirations, celebrations, hobbies, and creativity and experience the freedom that those moments bring from the strife and suffering of life.
Accept Who You Are
The more we are in tune with and honor our own needs, the more we have the capacity to respectfully tune into another’s needs.
The first step is building on our ability to become aware of what is happening. The more we can make the conscious choice to tune in, instead of tuning out, the more present we become.
Here are a few examples of building awareness:
Practicing somatic/body awareness - By bringing attention and awareness to the breath, where we experience pain, comfort, where we are stimulated, where our emotions are stored, we have an opportunity to adjust and accept these sensations, rather than being at odds with them, which decreases stress and tension.
Building emotional awareness - By building our emotional vocabulary, understanding where emotions live in our bodies, what triggers them, which we avoid, which we lean into, and our tendencies of how we respond, we can reduce reactivity, build connection and stop letting those emotions rule our behavior.
Understanding our beliefs/values - Through developing a rich understanding of how we developed our beliefs and values, particularly the unconscious biases that build our view of the world, we open ourselves up to cognitive flexibility, which allows greater emotional freedom, understanding of others and lends itself to improved compassion.
The second step is accepting what we are aware of, even if we don’t agree with or condone what we learn. Through acceptance, we have the courage to face whatever emotions may arise, allowing ourselves to experience pain, joy, lust, rage, powerlessness, shame, guilt, etc. We can face others having different needs, wants, beliefs or values, without devaluing our own. Most importantly, we can stop trying to achieve power or control over those things we can’t, such as others’ emotions, boundaries, needs or behaviors and hold ourselves more accountable for our own.
Build Up a Bank of Trust
Trust is by definition a vulnerable process. We place our belief and faith in the actions of others which are outside of our control, making us subject to the outcomes. In couples, trust can either be a growing or deteriorating foundation.
I view trust like a jar of marbles. Within that jar are the many interactions that build up the different types of trust we may have in a relationship.
I may trust that someone will remember the spelling of my name, think of me on my birthday, be kind in interactions, be faithful, hold their temper, and not abandon me… I may distrust their ability to remain kind about me when talking to their family, or that they will take their socks to the laundry when they are off.
These marbles are collected and accounted for throughout the course of our interactions and we need a super balance of marbles to feel full. Each time we turn toward the other, show care, have positive experiences, feel heard and seen and respected and felt, demonstrate our presence through full attention, remember each others’ stories and values, demonstrate understanding and validity – we build trust.
When we lean into criticism, judgment, shame, blame, invalidation, betrayal or control, we run the risk of cracking the jar, tainting the trust marbles or worse, building a jar of negative sentiment and resentment that overrides our ability to experience the existence of the trust marbles, turning us away from our partners.
It is essential that we each take accountability for our role in both the building and demolition of trust through regulating our own behaviors, finding ways to assume good intentions and lead with curiosity regarding others’ behaviors.
Practice Healthy Communication
In order to support balance and health in communication, there are some essential behaviors which have been demonstrated to be effective.
Gentleness - When you want to set a boundary, or discuss an unwanted behavior, try and consider your partner’s history and background. Understanding how this may have developed will help you approach the discussion with more sensitivity and compassion.
Emotional Validation - Even when we react in ways that we are not particularly proud of, we are all generally seeking validation of our deeper needs. Generally, the more intense the interaction, the more important the need is for validation. Validation has a beautiful way of taking the heat out of interactions and soothing the amygdala. Start with being present, so that you can fully and accurately mirror back to your partner what they are communicating. Next, demonstrate understanding of this feeling at a deeper level (and if you can’t, stay curious and open to learning more). In other words, consider your partner’s history, story, what else you know about what is happening in their life and normalize it!
Lean Into What You Want - Too many of us focus on what is going wrong instead of what is going right! Instead of looking for proof of our fears coming true, we have the opportunity to look for all the things that are going in the direction of trust, love, connection and build on them. What we observe and give our energy to becomes reinforced, so be mindful to look for the stuff that is working and show appreciation!
Ensure There’s Safety Between You
The cornerstone of emotional intimacy is safety. When we feel safe in relationships, we open ourselves up to explore our sexuality, our unmet needs, to seek new challenges and to create. We feel abundance and then share that abundance beyond ourselves.
When we feel unsafe, we risk the foundation of intimacy. This happens when we engage in violence, both to ourselves and/or to others in word, deed, thought or action. We risk intimacy when we are hurting, because as hurt people, we are more likely to hurt people in return.
When this is the case, we need support! That may be in the form of therapy, self-help, inspiring podcasts, grounded friendships, wise family members, support groups, etc. There are many avenues that have the capacity to help us heal, and they require our acknowledgement of the struggle and the willingness to change. Find new ways to address your pain so that it doesn’t bleed out on those you love or risk your ability to heal and feel loved yourself. If you are suffering with pain that is leaving you lonely, abandoned, rejected, and out in the cold, it is not too late!
Relationships that lack, or have lost, emotional intimacy are by no means doomed. We all have the opportunity to recover, to return to a path toward love, connection and community. With some practice, skill, focus and intention, we can build the intimate connections we thrive in.
Having trouble building emotional intimacy? Octave has over 1,000 therapists who can support you in developing stronger relationships.