5 Pillars for Couples to Create Emotional Intimacy
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Emotional intimacy is the cornerstone of a fulfilling, healthy relationship. Yet, many couples struggle to maintain this deep emotional connection over time. However, you can work to rebuild emotional intimacy at any time in your relationship. This can lead to greater overall relationship satisfaction as well as improved communication and trust. This guide covers five key pillars couples can use to build emotional closeness and keep their bond strong.
What is Emotional Intimacy?
Let’s first define emotional intimacy and why it matters: Emotional intimacy, in a nutshell, is the experience of connection beyond physical connection to another person. It provides a foundation of knowing that we matter, that our existence is marked, that we are connected, safe and not alone.
How Do You Build Emotional Intimacy?
Often we look for that in a committed partnership, but find ourselves not sustaining the connection and wonder, why? What changed? We may decide that it was just the wrong person and try again with someone else. Unfortunately, what emerges is a pattern of bouncing from one person to the other, feeling disappointed, and then internalizing that lack of success as something inadequate with ourselves.
Review 6 Strategies to Deepen Your Emotional Connection With Your Partner
Instead, think of what can happen when we recognize that emotional intimacy develops from a set of skills, which can be honed to help us be more successful in our relationships and that learning and using those skills requires grit, tenacity, and intentional effort. I like to call it the P.A.T.H.S. to Emotional Intimacy, which stands for Play, Acceptance, Trust, Honest Communication, and Safety.
5 Pillars to Help Build Emotional Intimacy with Your Partner
Building emotional intimacy can be a complex process. Following these five pillars can serve as a good guide for building emotional intimacy in your relationship.
Pillar 1: Play Together to Build Emotional Intimacy
One thing we so often forget is what children intuitively know how to do – be in the vulnerability of joy!
Kids see their friends and dive right into sharing what they want – taking the risks of rejection, swinging on the bars, laughing, bringing energy, presence and enjoyment to their interactions. If someone wants to build a fort, the other joins in and celebrates the idea. They initiate and accept connection, support each other’s fantasies and laugh.
So many couples I meet become so immersed in identifying what is wrong in their relationships and trying to fine tune and fix what is not working, that they forget to participate in the bounty that is possible between them.
When couples start to celebrate each other’s dreams and fantasies, play games together, dance and sing, giggle and tease, and laugh, they bond and build emotional intimacy! Laughter in and of itself promotes bonding. From a biological perspective, it swaps out the mighty cortisol with the far more friendly oxytocin, dopamine and endorphins, which increase our experience of empathy, increase joy, deepen the experience of shared communication and decrease pain, a sense of isolation, tension and overwhelm.
Too often, couples get caught up in the seriousness of being productive, managing a house, or seeking solace in their partner, that they forget to make it pleasurable. Instead, think about ways that you can find your joy in your partner and dive in. Celebrate their openness to sharing their kink or other sexual fantasies, engage fully in activities like cooking or dancing together. Build on each other’s aspirations, celebrations, hobbies, and creativity and experience the freedom that those moments bring from the strife and suffering of life.
Pillar 2: Acceptance as a Path to Emotional Connection
The more we are in tune with and honor our own needs, the more we have the capacity to respectfully tune into another’s needs which also helps when learning how to build emotional intimacy between you and your partner.
The first step is building on our ability to become aware of what is happening. The more we can make the conscious choice to tune in, instead of tuning out, the more present we become.
Here are a few examples of building awareness:
Practicing somatic/body awareness - By bringing attention and awareness to the breath, where we experience pain, comfort, where we are stimulated, where our emotions are stored, we have an opportunity to adjust and accept these sensations, rather than being at odds with them, which decreases stress and tension.
Building emotional awareness - By building our emotional vocabulary, understanding where emotions live in our bodies, what triggers them, which we avoid, which we lean into, and our tendencies of how we respond, we can reduce reactivity, build connection and stop letting those emotions rule our behavior.
Understanding our beliefs/values - Through developing a rich understanding of how we developed our beliefs and values, particularly the unconscious biases that build our view of the world, we open ourselves up to cognitive flexibility, which allows greater emotional freedom, understanding of others and lends itself to improved compassion.
The second step is accepting what we are aware of, even if we don’t agree with or condone what we learn. Through acceptance, we have the courage to face whatever emotions may arise, allowing ourselves to experience pain, joy, lust, rage, powerlessness, shame, guilt, etc. We can face others having different needs, wants, beliefs or values, without devaluing our own. Most importantly, we can stop trying to achieve power or control over those things we can’t, such as others’ emotions, boundaries, needs or behaviors and hold ourselves more accountable for our own.
Pillar 3: Trust—The Foundation of Emotional Closeness
This is possibly one of the most important pillars of building emotional intimacy with your partner while also being the most difficult to navigate. Trust is by definition a vulnerable process. We place our belief and faith in the actions of others which are outside of our control, making us subject to the outcomes. In couples, trust can either be a growing or deteriorating foundation.
Like Brené Brown,I view trust like a jar of marbles. Within that jar are the many interactions that build up the different types of trust we may have in a relationship.
I may trust that someone will remember the spelling of my name, think of me on my birthday, be kind in interactions, be faithful, hold their temper, and not abandon me… I may distrust their ability to remain kind about me when talking to their family, or that they will take their socks to the laundry when they are off.
These marbles are collected and accounted for throughout the course of our interactions and we need a super balance of marbles to feel full. Each time we turn toward the other, show care, have positive experiences, feel heard and seen and respected and felt, demonstrate our presence through full attention, remember each others’ stories and values, demonstrate understanding and validity – we build trust.
When we lean into criticism, judgment, shame, blame, invalidation, betrayal or control, we run the risk of cracking the jar, tainting the trust marbles or worse, building a jar of negative sentiment and resentment that overrides our ability to experience the existence of the trust marbles, turning us away from our partners.
It is essential that we each take accountability for our role in both the building and demolition of trust through regulating our own behaviors, finding ways to assume good intentions and lead with curiosity regarding others’ behaviors.
Pillar 4: Honest Communication to Enhance Emotional Intimacy
In order to support balance and health in communication, there are some essential behaviors which have been demonstrated to be effective.
Gentleness - When you want to set a boundary, or discuss an unwanted behavior, try and consider your partner’s history and background. Understanding how this may have developed will help you approach the discussion with more sensitivity and compassion.
Emotional Validation - Even when we react in ways that we are not particularly proud of, we are all generally seeking validation of our deeper needs. Generally, the more intense the interaction, the more important the need is for validation. Validation has a beautiful way of taking the heat out of interactions and soothing the amygdala. Start with being present, so that you can fully and accurately mirror back to your partner what they are communicating. Next, demonstrate understanding of this feeling at a deeper level (and if you can’t, stay curious and open to learning more). In other words, consider your partner’s history, story, what else you know about what is happening in their life and normalize it!
Lean Into What You Want - Too many of us focus on what is going wrong instead of what is going right! Instead of looking for proof of our fears coming true, we have the opportunity to look for all the things that are going in the direction of trust, love, connection and build on them. What we observe and give our energy to becomes reinforced, so be mindful to look for the stuff that is working and show appreciation!
Pillar 5: Creating Safety for Deep Emotional Bonds
The cornerstone of emotional intimacy is safety. When we feel safe in relationships, we open ourselves up to explore our sexuality, our unmet needs, to seek new challenges and to create emotional intimacy. We feel abundance and then share that abundance beyond ourselves.
When we feel unsafe, we risk the foundation of intimacy - both physical and emotional. This happens when we engage in violence, both to ourselves and/or to others in word, deed, thought or action. We risk intimacy when we are hurting, because as hurt people, we are more likely to hurt people in return.
When this is the case, we need support! That may be in the form of therapy, self-help, inspiring podcasts, grounded friendships, wise family members, support groups, etc. There are many avenues that have the capacity to help us heal, and they require our acknowledgement of the struggle and the willingness to change. Find new ways to address your pain so that it doesn’t bleed out on those you love or risk your ability to heal and feel loved yourself. If you are suffering with pain that is leaving you lonely, abandoned, rejected, and out in the cold, it is not too late!
Relationships that lack, or have lost, emotional intimacy are by no means doomed. We all have the opportunity to recover, to return to a path toward love, connection and community. With some practice, skill, focus and intention, we can build the intimate connections we thrive in.
If You’re Struggling with Intimacy In Your Relationship, You May Need More Help
If you and your partner feel that you have exercised the 5 pillars of building emotional intimacy and you are still struggling, you may need more help. Couples Therapy is a great way to better explore your feelings and roadblocks that you might be experiencing while trying to build emotional intimacy.
Benefits of Emotional Intimacy Counseling
Emotional intimacy counseling can be a powerful way to strengthen relationships. Specific benefits of couples therapy sessions include:
Enhanced trust and understanding in your relationship
Greater overall relationship satisfaction
Improved communication and better conflict resolution
Fewer conflicts and misunderstandings
Improved emotional regulation
More resilience as a couple, making it easier to face challenges together
Deeper emotional closeness and happiness
Common Challenges and Solutions
When you’re working to develop intimacy in relationships, you might encounter some challenges. In this section, we’ll go over overcoming these challenges.
Challenge 1: Fear of Vulnerability
If you feel uncomfortable being vulnerable, start by recognizing those feelings. Then, pinpoint what about vulnerability makes you uneasy. When you do begin to share things, start small. This can help you start to flex your muscles of vulnerability.
Challenge 2: Communication Mismatches
If you and your partner have different ways that you prefer to communicate, then it can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. Acknowledging that you and your partner have different ways of communicating is an important first step. Next, try better ways to communicate. You can use active and reflective listening, “I…” statements, and build a safe space for open dialogue.
Challenge 3: Unresolved Conflict or Resentment
Unresolved conflict or resentment can create emotional distance. To address this, it's important to acknowledge the unresolved conflict or resentment. You can work towards regaining trust through strong communication skills, compromising, and setting boundaries.
Challenge 4: Life Stressors Taking Priority
We all experience stressors in daily life. Sometimes, these can pull our attention so much that we start to prioritize them over our relationships. This can create emotional distance, reduce intimacy, and create challenges with communication. Communicating openly when this happens can be helpful, as well as prioritizing quality time with your partner. It can also be beneficial to introduce healthy self-care habits, like exercise and mindfulness, to help you manage your stress.
Challenge 5: Differing Emotional Needs
Individuals in a relationship might have different emotional needs. For example, one person might value words of appreciation, while the other needs physical affection in order to feel loved. Communicating openly with your partner can help you understand what their emotional needs are. Once you understand your own emotional needs, you can work to ensure that your emotional needs are fulfilled and then everything your partner offers is a bonus.
FAQ Section
What does emotional intimacy feel like?
Emotional intimacy creates a strong bond with your partner. You feel connected, supported, and secure in your relationship. This is built on trust, communication, and vulnerability.
How do you rebuild emotional intimacy?
To help rebuild emotional intimacy, you can follow the P.A.T.H.S. to Emotional Intimacy. This includes play, accepting your and your partner’s needs, building trust, practicing healthy communication, and creating safety.
What causes a lack of emotional intimacy?
A fear of being vulnerable can lead to a lack of emotional intimacy. Other reasons include communication mismatches, unresolved conflicts, and resentment. Life stress and differing emotional needs can also play a role.
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