Ask Octave: How Do I Know If Someone Is In An Unsafe Relationship?
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Q: My friend is in a new relationship that started during the pandemic lockdowns and got serious very quickly. I’ve become concerned about whether she’s in a safe situation based on a few of her offhanded comments, although I haven’t seen evidence of physical violence. When I try to approach the conversation, I get really nervous and uncomfortable like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. How can I address her comments and offer her support?
Content Warning: This blog contains information about interpersonal and domestic violence.
The pandemic changed the dating landscape for many Americans – those spontaneous Hinge dates after a long day in the office weren't possible anymore. As we were confined to our homes and socially distanced, the way we dated changed, too.
Many relationships accelerated when people who were casually dating started quarantining together during the 2020 lockdowns. Others met prospective partners on park benches, and with so few places to socialize, they were almost immediately brought home, resulting in blurred boundaries from the onset as they were introduced to the most intimate parts of our lives faster.
Even for non-pandemic relationships, a relationship that gets serious quickly doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s an issue, but it can be a sign. Healthy pacing in relationships allows us to relish in the honeymoon phase and learn the quirks of our partners. When we’re immediately brought into the thick of someone’s life, their quarrels with their boss or the drama of an ex become our problems and we miss out on key moments to objectively learn about each other.
I’ve noticed that relationships that start off fast can be really hard for friends to understand, and rightfully so. They often watch their friends change before their eyes; a person who used to be hyper-independent now has a plus-one even going to the grocery store. This loss of independence can be problematic – other things like love bombing, being in constant contact with a partner, or a lack of boundaries are also indications that a relationship may not be healthy.
Unhealthy relationships can progress into unsafe relationships, sometimes in more subtle ways than we may realize. We hear “unsafe” and we often assume someone is in physical danger, but relationships that are physically dangerous are unsafe long before it becomes physical.
When Unhealthy Becomes Unsafe
Many people may find themselves in an unhealthy relationship at some point in their lives – frequent bickering, jealousy, cheating. Those situations can be challenging, but may not necessarily cross the line into being unsafe.
An unsafe relationship is one that is marked by fear, whether it’s fear of being yourself, fear of speaking up, or fear of violence (even if physical violence hasn’t happened). An unsafe relationship often causes increased anxiety, increased isolation from support systems, loss of autonomy due to controlling behaviors, decreased self-esteem and feeling intimidated.
Below are a few signs that an unhealthy relationship has escalated further:
Are they being socially isolated?
I’ve noticed that social isolation is usually one of the first signs that someone is in an unsafe relationship. It doesn’t always look the same: In some relationships the “cutoff” can happen slowly; in others very quickly. But the hard stop of seeing friends, family, and community is usually consistent and there’s a noticeable transition to spending all of their time with their partner.
Do they have control of their finances?
Financial dependence is a really clear red flag that someone is in an unsafe relationship. Without financial control, a person is unable to take care of themselves. This can look like strict allowances, keeping finances a secret, not allowing a person to have their own income, or have any say in how money is spent. It can cause someone to feel like they cannot care for themself and are then entirely dependent on their partner for survival.
Are they being psychologically mistreated?
47% of people have experienced psychological aggression by a partner. Emotional and verbal abuse can start as name calling, blaming a person for things, being overly controlling, engaging in constant criticism. Over time, this begins to tear apart a person’s self-esteem and self-worth. Eventually this can lead to feelings of shame, confusion, and increased anxiety.
Are they experiencing physical harm?
While physical and sexual abuse are the most overt type of harm in an abusive relationship, it’s often the last form of abuse inflicted and usually occurs after other types of abuse have been taking place.
When we think of domestic violence we conjure up images that we’ve seen in the media – hyper-violent depictions of women being physically hurt – but physical harm in many cases can look very different. This can look like forcing someone to dress in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, insulting the person in sexual ways, forcing or manipulating someone into having sex or performing sexual acts when the person does not want to. These behaviors are demeaning, can cause increased shame, decreased self-esteem, fear of embarrassment in speaking out due to guilt and self-blame.
Sensitively Addressing It
If you ever suspect that someone is in an unsafe relationship, you shouldn’t hesitate in addressing it. Best case scenario, you’re just a concerned friend with nothing to worry about but if there is cause for concern, you’ve opened up the conversation. Here are some tips to guide your conversation:
Schedule a time to talk privately – and calmly.
Start off by reminding them how much you love them and how valuable their friendship is to you. Remember that if your loved one is in an unsafe relationship, their life is often chaotic, so it is important to stay calm, loving and do your best to manage your own anxiety and nerves around the conversation.
If you feel your anxiety is getting in the way, practice having this conversation with someone else first. Saying the words aloud can help ease the stress before having the real conversation and give you space to clearly articulate yourself.
Stay neutral and normalize the situation.
When voicing your concerns, avoid blameful and judgmental language. Remind them that you are there to support them even if they don’t want to talk about it. If they deny it or avoid the conversation, remind them that if they ever need support, you are there to listen.
Address specific behaviors and observations.
I often avoid labeling the relationship or their partner since it can create a divide. Someone in an unsafe relationship feels a very specific affinity for their partner, so avoid insulting their partner and focus on specific behaviors you have witnessed. I recommend using I statements like “I’m concerned for you” or “I’m worried about you” since this puts the onus on you.
Remind them this is not their fault.
Your loved one may feel some personal responsibility for their partner’s behaviors. Knowing that they are cared for, that they are seen, and that they have support may be just what someone needs to feel like they are not alone. Your question may give them the courage to seek help or even the courage to admit it to themselves.
I’ve had clients blame themselves for their partner’s violence. I’ve heard things like it was “only one time” and “they promised to never do it again”. But abuse is never isolated and it takes many different forms.
Offer solutions and support.
Getting out of an unsafe relationship is very challenging, and people don’t always recognize that they’re at risk. It can be very frustrating and hard to understand why your friend doesn’t “just leave.” While it often comes from a place of love, unfortunately this mentality can often make your loved one feel blamed, unsupported, and more alone. Research shows that it can take up to seven attempts before someone permanently leaves an abusive partner.
If your loved one is already dealing with controlling and manipulative behaviors, you don’t want to be someone else who is telling them what to do. Remind them that you support and love them unconditionally; validating their experience can be so powerful for them. Take this opportunity to provide some education about domestic violence, like the warning signs I’ve listed above and that abusive relationships aren’t just physically abusive.
You can also suggest going to a therapist who is specialized in relationships and can offer a new, unbiased perspective to your friend. Octave has thousands of therapists to fit all types of life circumstances.
My hope is that this conversation will give you clearer insight on what may be going on with your friend and what you can do to best support them. As a friend, these situations can be really difficult to navigate so having your own support network will help you tremendously.
Resources
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there’s help out there. In addition to therapists at Octave who can support clients experiencing domestic violence, here are some other safe, confidential resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
The Hotline has highly-trained, expert advocates that offer free, confidential, and compassionate support, crisis intervention information, education, and referral services in over 200 languages.
Call 1-800-799-7233
The National Dating Abuse Helpline
This helpline offers 24/7 information, support, and advocacy to young people between the ages of 13 and 26 who have questions or concerns about their romantic relationships. They also provide support to concerned friends and family members, teachers, counselors, and other service providers through the same free and confidential services via phone, text, and live chat.
Call 1-866-331-9474
RAINN – Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
In partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country, RAINN carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help survivors, and ensure that perpetrators are brought to justice.
Call 1-800-656-HOPE
Domestic Violence and Housing Technical Assistance Consortium, Safe Housing Partnerships
The need for safe and affordable housing is one of the most vital and immediate concerns for survivors of violence and abuse. Black people, Indigenous people, and other person(s) of color are overrepresented in homeless populations due to structural racism, historical measures, network impoverishment, and other racial disparities across systems.
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The information and resources contained on this website are for educational and informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any mental health condition. Participation in "Ask Octave" does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. The information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough mental health evaluation by a licensed professional.