Ask Octave: How Do I Navigate Heated Debates With My Family?
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Q: I’ve always had disagreements with my family about politics and social issues, but those conversations have gotten a lot more heated in the past year. Now we’re arguing about life-and-death issues, such as the COVID-19 vaccine, and it’s strained my relationship with them more than ever. How can we move forward as a family?
Whether it’s COVID-19, social justice issues, or just general disagreements, navigating family can often be challenging. And it only gets heightened during the holidays: During most of the year, we have distance between ourselves and our loved ones, and then we suddenly have to deal with the physical closeness. Disagreements aren’t happening just on Facebook or via text; there isn’t a screen to separate us. The tension can be obvious and seemingly unnavigable.
The events of the past couple of years have only escalated those tensions. Our country is more polarized than before, and I’ve observed more people feeling anxiety about managing their family relationships.
Below are a few strategies that can help you enjoy family time while remaining true to yourself.
First, To Engage Or Not Engage?
Because each situation, conversation, and family dynamic is different, there is no right answer. But here are some questions to ask yourself to decide if it’s worth it:
- What is the goal of engaging? Is there a goal? Or is this a way to mask other issues and be disruptive?
- Will engaging change this person’s perspective? Or will it inevitably end in a stalemate?
- Conversely, what is left unsaid if you don’t engage? Will you be failing yourself (or others) if you don’t engage? Or will you be proud that you didn’t let yourself become aggravated?
- Will engaging change this person’s perspective? Or will it inevitably end in a stalemate?
Some Rules of Engagement
If you choose to engage in sharing your perspectives with a family member, there are proven ways to keep the conversation as civil and stress-free as possible.
- "I" Statements: Phrase what you want to say in terms of how you are feeling. If you start off your sentences with “you” and not “I”, the other person is more likely to become defensive and check out of the conversation. Refrain from using phrases like “you are making me feel" or anything that makes it about what the other person is doing wrong/you don't agree with. Instead, start with “I am worried”, “I feel”, “I am concerned”, “I am not comfortable”.
- Acknowledge: If the family member you are speaking to feels acknowledged, understood, and validated, they will likely be more open to hearing your side. Using phrases like “thank you for sharing” or “I respect your opinion” can support the acknowledgment of their feelings and their opinion, even if you may disagree.
- Agree to Disagree: People ultimately care more about feeling understood and validated than necessarily agreed with. It’s okay to have different opinions, and often, the means of communication is what actually triggers conflict. We can’t control other people, but we can control the way we communicate. Sometimes the only common ground we can find is our ability to agree to disagree.
- Emotional Regulation: Bring awareness to the volume of your voice, heartbeat, or anything else that may be a sign of conflict rising during the conversation. If you feel like you need to take a break, excuse yourself and walk away until you are ready to come back and continue speaking calmly. When taking a break, things like deep breathing or going for a walk are common coping strategies for cooling down.
It could be helpful to practice the anticipated confrontation. Before the holidays, call a friend and practice what you anticipate the conversation to be like. Challenging yourself to have the anticipated conversation can help you move out of your comfort zone.
If you find these steps are difficult to follow through with, find yourself overthinking, distracted, constantly worrying about this conversation or topic, or feeling down, there may be a larger struggle you are experiencing that you are not even aware of. Talking out what you are experiencing with a therapist could help you understand what some of your deeper barriers are, and help you develop coping skills to work past them.
Family relationships are complicated, and the approaching holidays come with a distinct set of expectations and pressure. We can manage our expectations, shift our perspectives, and utilize the techniques above to take some of the burden off.
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The information and resources contained on this website are for educational and informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any mental health condition. Participation in "Ask Octave" does not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. The information obtained from this site should not be considered a substitute for a thorough mental health evaluation by a licensed professional.