Feeling Stuck? Mapping Your Values Can Help You Break Through
By Ali Kazal via Unsplash
Our values define us. They connect us to our purpose; they ensure we are moving through the world aligned with what matters most to us. When we find ourselves feeling insecure, disconnected, or confused, it is likely coming from a place of misalignment between our behavior and our values.
So, what are values?
Imagine values as a compass; they guide us in a desired direction. Value setting allows you to be more intentional about life choices and they are distinctly different from goals; goals are just the way you execute your values.
Overwhelmed? I completely understand. Even as a therapist, I get overwhelmed when the topic of my goals and values comes up. The following prompts can help you sort through identifying your values.
“When we find ourselves feeling insecure, disconnected, or confused, it is likely coming from a place of misalignment between our behavior and our values.”
1. Assess Your Surroundings
Reflect on what values your family members, role models, friends, and community have. Values are usually passed down from social contexts and the people we surround ourselves with. And these can be negative values that you may not agree with. If your surroundings’ values do not align with your own, that is important to recognize and question. Questions you can ask yourself: What is the mission statement at work/school? What messages do your parents give you about life or practice within the family? What do your spiritual beliefs communicate?
2. Reflect on Your Current State
Now consider the values you are currently living by. You can ask yourself: What choices are you making? How are you spending your time? What guides your decisions? What does your day look like now?
3. Determine What You Want
Think about the values that you actually want to live by. I want to emphasize here that these are the values YOU want to live by. This is unrelated to your mom’s pressure to have kids or your friends questioning your relationship status. You need to answer these questions: What do you want from your life? How do you want to spend your time? What are the parts of your day that bring you happiness and joy?
Take some time to come up with three values that are yours. Trust your gut. Try to imagine scenarios and pay attention to the physical feelings that happen when you imagine it (think: heart racing, butterflies in your stomach, warmth, weight lifting from your shoulders, so on). Usually, it will help to see which ways you want to be pulled rather than where you are being dragged now.
To help you brainstorm, here are a few examples of values:
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Acceptance |
Family happiness |
Independence |
I like to emphasize that your values can, should, and will change throughout your life. They are fluid and they will adjust as your life moves through its own phases.
4. Fill In the Gaps
Compare the values you are currently living by with the ones that you determined are the values you actually want to live by. Do you value adventure, yet you have become one with the couch? Do you value curiosity, yet you keep reading/watching the same content? Do you value creativity, yet you have not taken time to create?
The final step is to leverage these insights and live a more fulfilling life. This means use your identified values to guide the decisions that you make and reflect on your daily activities to make sure they are true to your values. In practice, this can look like considering your values when debating whether to stay or leave a job. Do you value balance, and this job is all-consuming? Do you value ambition, and you have nowhere else to progress? Critically think about your choices to ensure that you are living the life that you want, not the one that others want for you.
Let’s say you get to the final step and you realize you are all out of whack. Use the three values that you identified for yourself and brainstorm activities or goals that are inspired by them. Do you value your family? Set up a call or a visit! Do you value wellness? Set up a meditation practice or go to your favorite workout class!
If coming up with values or steps on your own feels out of reach, then enlist a support system for help — someone trusted in your life or a therapist who can view your obstacles more objectively. Ultimately, remember to be patient with yourself and take small steps if needed.