Ask Octave: Is Our Fighting Because of Pandemic Stress, or Is It Us?
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Q: My partner and I have been fighting a lot more during the pandemic. How can I tell if it's just the stress of the lockdowns and COVID-19, or if we're having larger relationship issues?
Our lives have turned upside down in almost every way since March 2020. The pandemic lifestyle, coupled with the pressures of this new normal, is intense — so it isn’t surprising that you may find yourself fighting more with your partner.
If you are, you’re not alone. One in five American couples surveyed in July 2020 reported fighting more than before the pandemic, and almost one in three people said they were more annoyed with their partner. The pandemic has not only forced us to take on new roles (teacher, housekeeper, chef, therapist) and reshaped our normal routines (gym, concerts, travel, commuting), it also has drastically increased the amount of time that we spend with our partners. We have lost our sense of normalcy, leaving us feeling like we are constantly under threat without our go-to coping skills. Our relationships have taken on the pressure to be the fix-all — the anchor, the fun, the stability, the excitement. One relationship cannot healthily be responsible for all of that support.
“Our relationships have taken on the pressure to be the fix-all — the anchor, the fun, the stability, the excitement. ”
We tend to fight with our partners because we feel vulnerable about how much we need them coupled with how much we fear them abandoning us. If not in an unprecedented pandemic isolating us from all other outlets, when else would we need our partners more and be more afraid by the loss of them?
Conflict is unavoidable in any relationship, and even healthy to a degree. Fighting is not necessarily a sign of deep structural problems in the relationship — for many, it is just a result of the unrelenting togetherness that becomes the catch-all for your pandemic frustrations.
Many problems that arise among couples boil down to communication issues.
More often than not, we don’t successfully learn how to communicate with each other. At no point in our lives does someone sit us down and say to us, “This is how we ask for support,” or “This is how we tell others what we need,” or “This is how we identify and verbalize our emotions.” Without those communication skills, our emotions can easily be misinterpreted. We default to “you did this” instead of “I need this,” which can lead us to become defensive, leaving us constantly activating our partners, escalating us to an argument, and feeling depleted without support.
To determine if your increased fighting is a result of the pandemic or something bigger, here are some questions to reflect on:
- What do we fight about? Is it always the same fight or something new each time? Is it a bigger, fundamental problem or a smaller, everyday stressor? If you are at a stalemate and stuck in the same pattern, this would indicate a larger problem that couples therapy could address.
- How do you communicate with each other? How much are you listening and feeling heard? How frequently are you expressing your needs? How often are you starting sentences with “you” rather than “I”? If you notice the ways that you are communicating are focused on blame and scorekeeping, and neither of you is being heard, you likely need to develop healthier communication skills.
- What are your expectations for your partner? How realistic are those expectations? If your expectations are out of proportion with what one person is capable of, consider reassessing.
- How full is your cup? How can you help to fill your partner’s cup based on your own? If you are struggling to cope and refill your cup, consider individual therapy or develop a self-care routine.
Couples therapy is a great option to assist with identifying miscommunication patterns and establishing new, enhanced communication skills. In a pandemic world, it is easy to feel like there are no options and limited resources. We are here for the support you may need to help your relationship feel more stable.