Dating Sober? Communication Is Key
Photo by Tim Foster via Unsplash
How many times have you heard of a first date landing on getting drinks as the activity? I think we often default to this because dating can be a nerve-wracking experience — stemming from the combination of putting ourselves out there, being vulnerable, or the daunting possibility of being rejected. Alcohol is often used as a crutch to ease those nerves.
But maybe you’ve noticed unhealthy habits around drinking and recognized that drinking no longer contributes to your life in a positive way. Perhaps you’re exploring sobriety for the first time, you’re sober-curious and questioning your relationship with alcohol, or maybe you’re prioritizing creating more sober environments for yourself because you simply don’t enjoy alcohol. Regardless of the nature of your sobriety, sobriety can be a really empowering life choice — and cutting alcohol from your life doesn’t mean your social life has to dry up.
Just because alcohol is a common date-default doesn’t mean you should just go with the flow for the sake of your date’s comfort. Over the long-term, addressing your sobriety will be essential to building meaningful relationships.
For anyone who is in a recovery program, most experts recommend waiting until you've reached one year of sobriety before starting to date. Otherwise, it's up to you when you feel like it's most appropriate to start dating. I recommend checking in with your inner circle, support system, or therapist for insights and guidance.
Addressing Your Sobriety
First and foremost, it’s your business if you would like to share your sobriety immediately or withhold it in the beginning. There is no rulebook saying you need to disclose this at a certain point. If you are on the fence about sharing your sobriety, you should consider a few things:
Understand your priorities. Would not sharing make you feel like you’re not telling an important part of yourself? For some people, their sobriety is one of the most important parts of their life — if withholding your sobriety feels like a big elephant in the room then sharing can ease the nerves.
Evaluate the dynamic. Does the person seem like a safe person to share this information with? Sometimes, we may date someone within our friendship circles or mutual friends. Would you care if they shared this with other people, even if it fizzled out after a few dates?
Assess your comfort level. If sharing this part of yourself will make you feel more vulnerable and perhaps even uncomfortable, then it’s worth a few more exchanges with this person before bringing it up.
Sharing Versus Not Sharing Your Sobriety
If you choose not to share your sobriety immediately, some phrases that may be helpful in diverting the conversation away from the classic “let’s get drinks” may include:
I would love to get to know you better by doing something more engaging.
I prefer not to drink, let’s go to this cool coffee shop instead.
I actually love being active on first dates, would you be interested in going on a walk instead?
On the other hand, let's say you do share your sobriety. Here are some ways to talk about your sobriety in a short, simple way:
Sobriety is just something that’s important to me and my lifestyle.
I want to be healthier and explore different avenues to achieve this. This means being sober for me.
I want to experience life in a way I can feel it to the fullest, without alcohol.
I want to let you know I don’t drink. My sobriety is really important to me.
It’s important to pick a phrase that organically fits you. Keep in mind that the other person may drink alcohol — be careful to not include anything that may come off as judgmental to people who decide to drink. This is an opportunity to observe how the other person responds. I want you to be prepared in how you present this and prepare yourself for how the other person may react.
This is also a chance to offer up some date ideas that don’t involve drinking: go to a museum, visit a garden, have an afternoon picnic, try indoor rock climbing, get coffee and go to a bookstore, go bowling, or see a comedy show. There are so many other ways to spend time and develop meaningful connections outside of getting drinks at a bar.
What Communication Styles Reveal
I like to remind my clients that this kind of situation allows you to spot red (and green) flags really early on in the “talking” phase. You’re potentially sharing a very intimate part of yourself with someone and it gives you the opportunity to see their communication skills in real time — do they use empathy or are they dismissive? This can be a huge moment where you can decide if you’re even interested in dating this person.
Let's say you go with not explaining your sobriety and you land on simply saying that you don’t drink. Are they prying for more information? Does it seem genuine or does it feel invasive?
People are naturally curious and they may have follow-up questions, but if they don’t pick up on your cues, even when you are trying to divert the conversation away from alcohol, then I would consider this a red flag. It’s a clear sign that they are not respecting your boundaries. At the end of the day, it is your business to protect your sobriety until you build a mutual trust with this person.
Some folks may not agree at all with sobriety. They may try to say things like, “Well, I am still having a drink,” in a cold and dismissive manner. In this case, I really like to focus on and highlight the power dynamics at play. You’re able to observe if this person even considers you and your relationship with alcohol in this situation or if they’re focused on their own needs. Trust your gut. If this doesn’t feel right or you find yourself already making excuses for them or even dismissing your own feelings in this situation, then it’s a red flag.
If you have all green flags with this person, but they ask if they can get a drink, there are a few things you should consider in your response:
Does this change your view of them? We’re never trying to come off as rude if they choose to drink, but if sobriety is extremely important to you, this is the moment to let them know if you are uncomfortable with them drinking around you. I like to really highlight that your feelings about them drinking do matter and you shouldn’t make yourself smaller or withhold your thoughts to make sure they’re accommodated. Your sobriety matters to you, and if you don’t want alcohol as part of the date, that’s a valid feeling.
Some first dates do lead to kisses and if they’ve drank, it could leave an unpleasant aftertaste for you. The taste of alcohol can absolutely be a trigger and it’s something to keep in mind when deciding your response.
Alcohol has a smell. I think you know what I mean. That strong smell may linger in the car if you drive together or you walk home together. I want you to keep in mind your own comfort levels in these situations — don’t just contort your comforts and priorities to appease them. If the smell is bothersome — and it is for many people who are sober — you can (and should) be honest about that.
It’s your decision to explore a date with alcohol involved. But I recommend that my clients level the playing field and take alcohol out of the equation entirely.
Let's agree to be awkward and full of angst and excitement together during the date! By engaging in more active and meaningful experiences, you really get to know the person from the start and can lay the foundation for a relationship.
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