Feeling Lonely In Your Relationship & What To Do About It
Clinically Reviewed by: Channing Richmond, LMFT
Written by: Casey Clark
If you're reading this article, then it's safe to say that you may be feeling lonely in a relationship. Perhaps you've been searching the internet with the question "Am I unhappy in my relationship?" and stumbled across this article. Feeling unhappy in a relationship is actually more common than you might think — ask your family members or friends; they've probably found themselves in this situation before. Although It's never a good feeling to feel lonely, alone, or misunderstood in your relationship, we're here to tell you that there is hope and it does get better.
Ahead, we've garnered some information on why you may feel lonely in your relationship and what you can do about it going forward.
Feeling Lonely In Your Relationship & What To Do About It
According to research from Harvard University, roughly 21% of adults in the U.S. feel lonely. It's not always a topic that is talked about, it is more common than you may think, especially when in terms of relationships. Sometimes people realize they have different needs, they don't communicate effectively, etc. Whatever the reason, it's common for people to feel lonely but it's not a lost cause.
Why do I feel lonely in my relationship?
When it comes to feeling lonely in a relationship, there are a few reasons that this may happen for people:
Less or poor communication
Healthy communication is one of the many keys to success in relationships and if there's not enough or it's ineffective that can oftentimes leave you feeling isolated and alone. Relationships are a give and take and that same concept applies when communicating with a significant other.
For example, if you notice your partner has become less talkative or perhaps cold and distant during communications, then that may put a strain on your relationship. In a similar vein, you may find that communicating with your partner often never ends well with one of you blowing up at the other. This could be for a plethora of reasons, but in many cases this happens when there's a misunderstanding, a lack of boundaries, or even a disinterest in what the other person has to say.
As you can imagine, this can leave both parties feeling alone with their thoughts and feelings as they are not being heard or listened to.
Not feeling appreciated
Relationships are intended to be reciprocal and not one sided. If you find that you're constantly putting in all the work and effort, then that may leave you feeling burnt out and unappreciated. Sometimes you may feel like you're not even being valued by your partner for all that you do to maintain the relationship.
Most people like to hear that their efforts are appreciated and their hard work doesn't go unnoticed. If you aren't receiving this feedback at all or even on occasion, it makes sense that you may start feeling alone in a relationship.
Not feeling seen by their partner
It's human nature to want to be acknowledged and seen for who you are at your core. If your partner doesn't get you or you constantly feel like an afterthought, then that could lead to feeling alone in a relationship.
Not feeling seen by your partner may also lead you to experience thoughts like "Am I not good enough?" or "What is wrong with me?" when in fact it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your compatibility and communication skills.
Different love languages
People have different preferences for how they prefer to express and receive love in relationships. According to Simply Psychology, these were introduced to society in Gary Chapman's 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.
There are five different recognized love languages: quality time, acts of service, physical touch, receiving gifts and words of affirmation. These come from
If your love language is words of affirmation and you have a partner who doesn't verbally express their thoughts and feelings, then this may leave you feeling alone. On the flipside, if your love language is physical touch but your partner doesn't like it that much, then this may leave you feeling deprived and unsatisfied.
Feeling Unhappy In A Relationship
There's a difference in feeling unhappy in a relationship and unhappy with life overall. When you're unhappy in a relationship, it can oftentimes be pinpointed to the relationship itself and have you leaving most interactions feeling drained and unsatisfied.
If you're feeling unhappy with life overall, then you might notice that there's different aspects of life that aren't going according to plan. For example, you may be unsatisfied with your relationship, friendships, career, finances, environment, etc. In this case, there's usually a handful of factors that aren't in alignment with your goals and values that leave you feeling unhappy.
Signs That You Are Unhappy In Your Relationship
Reduced intimacy
When you aren’t feeling close or happy with your partner, intimacy will oftentimes start to fall off within the relationship. This is an important factor for many people in a relationship so if this starts to go south, then the rest of the relationship shortly starts to fizzle out. Intimacy helps to keep people feeling connected so if it starts to decline, then you may notice yourself feeling lonely in the relationship.
Lack of communication
If you're feeling lonely in your marriage or relationship, then you may find that the amount of communication between those involved has dwindled. You may not want to talk to your partner or find yourself communicating less because you don't feel heard or understood — in a way it can feel ineffective or pointless at times.
Feeling trapped
If you're feeling trapped in your relationship, then it may be a sign that you're unhappy in it. You might not want to spend time with your partner or feel uncomfortable when they are around. Perhaps you're constantly looking for ways to be outside of the home whether that's spending time with friends, engaging in hobbies or clocking in some extra hours at work.
Feeling unsafe
Relationships are supposed to be a place where you feel safe and at ease. In the event that you don't feel mentally, emotionally or physically safe within your relationship that could be a cause for why you're feeling lonely in your relationship. If you don't feel safe in your relationship, you may want to consider reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Feeling a loss of self
If you start to feel like you are losing yourself and can’t be yourself within your relationship, then it makes sense that could make you feel unhappy. A partner is supposed to love you unconditionally, however, in the event that they make you feel like you have to mask who you are or keep it secret, then that's not a good sign.
Lack of trust
One of the most important components of any relationship is that there's an element of trust. If you no longer trust your partner with your feelings, thoughts or trust them in general, then that could be detrimental. Trust is the foundation for most healthy relationships and when that starts to decline, then the rest is generally quick to follow.
It's worth noting that trust needs to be built between people, even those in a relationship. Whether you've been together for six months or a few years, trust is something that needs to be actively built upon.
Can’t see the future
In a happy and healthy relationship, the individuals involved are usually thinking about how they are going to build a future together. If you're not able to picture a future with this person in your life anymore or aren't interested in thinking about where the future may take you, then that could be a sign that you're unhappy in that relationship.
How To Improve Your Relationship If You Are Unhappy
Although it may seem difficult right now to picture being happy in your relationship, we're here to tell you that there are ways to navigate how to not feel alone in a relationship. There's no magic fix to improve your relationship, however, there are some actionable steps you can take towards achieving that goal.
Talk openly with your partner
Your partner won't know something is wrong or bothering you unless you talk to them about it. It's possible they have an idea that you're unhappy because it's likely they are too, but they probably won't bring it to your attention unless you do.
Talking openly with a partner about these types of thoughts and feelings can be difficult — there will be lots of hard conversations but they are necessary in order to try to work on improving the relationship. Emotional intimacy, and talking openly with your partner, has been shown to not only enhance relationships, but also improve an individual's own well being in the process, according to a journal article from PLOS Medicine.
Maintain social connections outside the relationship
Changes in your relationship won't happen over night so it's important to have other people to turn to during this time.
Research in the American Journal of Psychiatry, has shown that people who have friends and close confidants are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression.
Maintaining social relationships with friends and family members can give you an outlet to get your mind off the situation if necessary or maybe even ask for advice and thoughts on how you should move forward in the event they've been in a similar situation. Social connections may also help you to remember that you're an individual outside of your relationship too — you have personal autonomy and not everything you do is directly tied to your relationship.
Engage in shared activities
When trying to figure out how to not feel alone in a relationship, engaging in shared activities may be helpful. Research from an article in the National Library of Medicine database indicated that couples who spend a larger proportion of their time together in shared activities reported greater levels of satisfaction.
Try to find something everyone involved enjoys whether that's going on nature walks, cooking a meal together or watching a television show. Participation in these shared activities will allow for you to spend more time with your significant other and perhaps open the door to conversations that can bring to the surface how you're feeling.
Work on physical intimacy
Being physically intimate with a partner is an important part of many relationships and trying to get back into the swing of things can be helpful. Studies have shown that couples who are more physically affectionate tend to be happier. This needs to be consensual from everyone involved but you can try to have a conversation on the types of physical intimacy you're looking for and then find ways to incorporate that into your daily lives.
Address underlying issues
As mentioned above, there are many reasons that one may feel alone in their marriage or relationship. Oftentimes this is caused by underlying issues that have not been addressed whether that's a change in communication, different love language preferences, a lack of physical intimacy, etc. It can be hard to bring up underlying issues with someone you love and care for out of fear of conflict but it can change a relationship for the better. Resolving conflict generally involves compromise so it's important to remember the art of give and take during these situations.
Don’t hide your feelings
It may seem easier to suppress your feelings because the thought of bringing forward conflict sounds scary, however, research has shown this can actually make you feel worse in the end. Getting your feelings off your chest can be extremely helpful and freeing. If you don't feel comfortable going straight to your partner, then you can perhaps go to a trusted friend, family member or mental health professional.
Get professional help
Last but not least, you may want to seek out professional help if you find that you're still feeling alone in your relationship despite attempts at trying to communicate and problem solve. Most therapists, especially licensed marriage and family therapists, are trained to handle the complex feelings that often accompany being in a relationship or marriage.
If your partner is willing, then you may even consider signing up for couples therapy to see if you can have a dialogue together in a safe, regulated environment. Not sure about couples therapy? Individual therapy can also be helpful to start as you can have a safe place to share your concerns and feelings without judgment.
Conclusion
Although it might not seem like it, the fact that you're reading this article gives insight into how you care about your happiness and relationship and want to make it better. Kudos to you, that's an incredible feat and most definitely not an easy one. There's no doubt about it — addressing loneliness and overall dissatisfaction with a relationship can feel scary and be difficult, but there are resources available to help make it less intimidating. Interested in professional help? You can get started with couples therapy with a therapist from Octave who specializes in relationship issues and find out more about insurance & pricing.