Ask Octave: A Friend Kissed Me Without Permission. What Do I Do?
Photo by Wesley Tingey via Unsplash
Q: A close friend kissed me at a party when he was drunk. I immediately felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t know what to do, so I just pretended it didn’t happen. I still feel weirded out about it and I don’t know why since it was only a kiss. Is this something I should address with my friend or am I making too big of a deal out of this?
Content Warning: This blog contains information about sexual assault and sexual trauma.
When someone kisses you without your permission, it’s a jarring experience. It would absolutely change the dynamics of any friendship, or change what the perceived dynamics were. It can feel like a betrayal, a total violation of the unspoken terms of the friendship, and lead to cracks in a trusting, platonic foundation.
I want to highlight that you are not making it a “big deal” out of “only a kiss.” If it felt uncomfortable and was not consensual, then your reaction is perfectly appropriate for the situation.
The body needs to feel secure in order to thrive. Once that feeling of safety is shaken, the brain is on high alert, even if you don’t always have the language to explain why. The lack of consent in this situation that’s felt as discomfort is actually the brain’s reaction to an unsafe situation, and it’s actually your brain responding in the most perfect way.
Understanding Dynamic Consent
Consent is the mutual permission for something to happen or a mutual agreement to do something. This commonly refers to an agreement to engage in sex, but can also include non-sexual permissions within friendships, family relationships, and romantic relationship dynamics.
Consent exists on a spectrum – which is why I like to use the phrase dynamic consent. On one end, it includes asking for permission to engage in sex, on the other end, it includes asking a friend if they have the emotional bandwidth to listen to you vent. Consent changes depending on the situation, and consent is not everlasting. Something can be consensual one time, and non-consensual the next.
The Importance of Consent
I’ve heard from clients that consent isn’t sexy – that it ruins the mood, disrupts the flow. After all, we don’t see James Bond asking for consent from his love interests. But there was also a time when using protection wasn’t sexy or asking for someone’s STI status wasn’t mainstream. This has changed over time as we’ve started prioritizing, and openly talking about, the importance of physical and emotional safety.
Lack of consent, in all forms, leads to crossed relationship boundaries and invasions of autonomy. Nonconsensual experiences can impact us in ways we may not necessarily realize, be it on a mental, physical, or emotional level. That non-consensual kiss triggers a stress response, leaving you feeling on edge. This discomfort can impact not only that relationship, but permeate other relationships as well, since your trust has been violated.
This is why consent is vital to the foundations of our friendships and relationships. It creates the trifecta of safety: physical, emotional, and mental, that allows our brain to regulate itself effectively so that we can engage in any situation, be it sex, a kiss, or an emotional conversation, comfortably.
Your Space Was Violated — To Confront or Not Confront
Developing boundaries often comes from personal experiences, observations, and values. However, things get trickier when a boundary has already been crossed. Addressing these issues can feel awkward and scary.
When deciding whether to have a conversation, here are some questions to consider:
Is this a one time thing or does this person have a tendency to make you feel uncomfortable? Perhaps this is the first time a physical boundary was crossed, but have your boundaries been crossed other times, perhaps in more subtle ways?
Do you feel safe sharing your feelings with this person? Do you feel like you’ll be heard?
Do you want to understand where the other person was coming from? Does it matter what their perspective is?
Are you interested in keeping this friendship?
There are no wrong answers here.
If you answered yes to the questions above and decide to have a conversation, it’s important to go into this discussion with a general idea of what you hope to gain from it. List out your hopes. Start the conversation with your personal experience and how the kiss impacted you.
Once you’ve shared this, you can explore how you both view this friendship or what an ideal version of it looks like. Does one of you want more than just a friendship? If so, what does this mean moving forward if your expectations are not aligned?
You may also choose not to address this situation with your friend at all, and work through it privately in your own way. This could be a sign to let the friendship go or re-evaluate the state of it. Whatever you decide, there is power in making this decision.
Unfortunately, there is no script for this type of situation but when in doubt, prioritize your feelings of safety and security and take pauses or space when needed. Maybe you have no interest in the friendship anymore. That is absolutely valid. Tune into your internal dialogue to hear what you need to feel like you, again: Always make the choice that prioritizes your safety.
Non-consensual experiences can leave us feeling disempowered or helpless. Knowing that we can choose how to handle these situations can help us regain our sense of agency and power.
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