Being Kissed without Permission or Consent & What to Do
Photo by Wesley Tingey via Unsplash
Being Kissed Without Permission or Consent
Question: A close friend kissed me at a party when he was drunk. I immediately felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t know what to do, so I just pretended it didn’t happen. I still feel weirded out about it and I don’t know why since it was only a kiss. Is this something I should address with my friend or am I making too big of a deal out of this?
Content Warning: This blog contains information about sexual assault and sexual trauma.
Is Kissing Someone Without Consent Assualt?
When someone kisses you without your permission, it is assault and it can be a very jarring experience. It would absolutely change the dynamics of any friendship, or change what the perceived dynamics were. It can feel like a betrayal, a total violation of the unspoken terms of the friendship, and lead to cracks in a trusting, platonic foundation.
I want to highlight that you are not making it a “big deal” out of “only a kiss.” If it felt uncomfortable and was not consensual, then your reaction is perfectly appropriate for the situation.
The body needs to feel secure in order to thrive. Once that feeling of safety is shaken, the brain is on high alert, even if you don’t always have the language to explain why. The lack of consent in this situation that’s felt as discomfort is actually the brain’s reaction to an unsafe situation, and it’s actually your brain responding in the most perfect way.
Understanding Dynamic Consent
Consent is the mutual permission for something to happen or a mutual agreement to do something. This commonly refers to an agreement to engage in sex, but can also include non-sexual permissions within friendships, family relationships, and romantic relationship dynamics.
Consent exists on a spectrum – which is why I like to use the phrase dynamic consent. On one end, it includes asking for permission to engage in sex, on the other end, it includes asking a friend if they have the emotional bandwidth to listen to you vent.
Consent also changes depending on the situation and is not everlasting. Something can be consensual one time, and non-consensual the next. This means that even if you have consented to someone kissing you in the past, you may not consent to it in the future. Your autonomy over your own body is non-negotiable. A person who loves and respects you will be able to understand this and honor your wishes.
It’s important to recognize that consent sometimes needs to be learned. This is especially true in those situations that don’t seem clearcut. Since many people have only been conditioned to see one side of the spectrum, they might not realize they have violated your consent in certain scenarios. That does not excuse the behavior, but rather highlights the fact that, if you do not confront them about it, they may not know they did something wrong.
The Importance of Consent - Even with Kissing
I’ve heard from clients that consent isn’t sexy – that it ruins the mood, disrupts the flow. After all, we don’t see James Bond asking for consent from his love interests. But there was also a time when using protection wasn’t sexy or asking for someone’s STI status wasn’t mainstream. This has changed over time as we’ve started prioritizing, and openly talking about, the importance of physical and emotional safety.
Lack of consent, in all forms, leads to crossed relationship boundaries and invasions of autonomy. Nonconsensual experiences can impact us in ways we may not necessarily realize, be it on a mental, physical, or emotional level. That non-consensual kiss triggers a stress response, leaving you feeling on edge. This discomfort can impact not only that relationship, but permeate other relationships as well, since your trust has been violated.
This is why consent is vital to the foundations of our friendships and relationships. It creates the trifecta of safety: physical, emotional, and mental, that allows our brain to regulate itself effectively so that we can engage in any situation, be it sex, a kiss, or an emotional conversation, comfortably.
Your Space Was Violated — To Confront or Not Confront
Your friend kissed you without your consent and you want to make sure that this doesn’t happen again. Developing boundaries often comes from personal experiences, observations, and values. However, things get trickier when a boundary has already been crossed. Addressing these issues can feel awkward and scary.
When deciding whether to have a conversation, here are some questions to consider:
Is this a one time thing or does this person have a tendency to make you feel uncomfortable? Perhaps this is the first time a physical boundary was crossed, but have your boundaries been crossed other times, perhaps in more subtle ways?
Do you feel safe sharing your feelings with this person? Do you feel like you’ll be heard?
Do you want to understand where the other person was coming from? Does it matter what their perspective is?
Are you interested in keeping this friendship?
There are no wrong answers here.
Confronting Your Friend About Consent
If you answered yes to the questions above and decide to have a conversation, it’s important to go into this discussion with a general idea of what you wish to gain from it.
Define what your ideal outcome would be. List potential red flags that would indicate they don’t understand what they did… or that they don’t care. Try not to overthink this step. We can’t predict the future and the conversation may play out in a way you do not anticipate at all.
Since this conversation can feel very vulnerable for both parties, it is best to avoid coming to it spontaneously. Rather, set a time and place with them. While privacy is a priority, your safety is also important. As such, choose a quiet but public location.
Start the conversation with your personal experience and how the kiss impacted you. Go into as much detail as you’re comfortable with. Give them the chance to respond and take a moment to consider what they have said.
If they react in a positive way, you can explore together how each of you view this friendship. What does an ideal version of it look like? Does one of you want more than just a friendship? If so, what does this mean moving forward?
Choosing Not to Confront – Moving On
You might decide it is not necessary to confront your friend about this incident. This is not a decision to be taken lightly but it is a decision only you can make. In what cases might this be the most appropriate course of action?
It’s possible that you want to move on from this incident by working through it privately in your own way. Bringing your friend into a conversation can complicate things, especially if it turns out they are unrepentant. However, this could indicate that it’s a good idea to let the relationship go.
The reality is that, without confronting your friend, you will struggle to feel safe around them. While you’ll avoid an awkward conversation, all of your future conversations will be colored by the incident. You may have a hard time sharing and feel regret when you do allow yourself to be vulnerable.
If you truly do believe that a confrontation will get you nowhere, you need to consider whether this person is really a friend. A friend should have your best interests at heart. Confronting them should lead them to reflect on their behavior. Whether or not they fully understand your experience, they should recognize that it is totally legitimate and that they caused it. An apology, at the least, should be forthcoming.
In contrast, a person who defends themselves at all costs may value their own self-image over your wellbeing. Ask yourself whether they are simply reacting in the moment or whether this is a pattern of behavior. Have they apologized in the past when they were wrong?
Unfortunately, there is no script for this type of situation. However, when in doubt, prioritize your feelings of safety and security and take pauses or space when needed. Maybe you have no interest in maintaining the friendship. That is absolutely valid. Tune into your internal dialogue to hear what you need to feel like yourself again: Always make the choice that prioritizes your safety.
Non-consensual experiences can leave us feeling disempowered or helpless. Knowing that we can choose how to handle these situations can help us regain our sense of agency and power.
Your Friend Kissed You Without Permission: Is It “Wrong” to Continue the Relationship?
Your own experience should be all that matters, but it can be difficult to tune out the noise created by social or societal expectations. Over the past few years, consent has become a hot topic, with the overwhelmingly positive consequence that violations of consent are taken extremely seriously.
The flipside of this is that choosing to continue the relationship can feel like the “wrong” thing to do. Does this mean you’re giving up your autonomy or self-respect?
There is no need to see it this way. In fact, making the decision either way is an expression of your autonomy. Choosing to continue the relationship may also signify that you are confident in your ability to assert your boundaries.
That your friend violated your space is undoubtedly very serious, but humans need not be defined by their worst mistake. You can reject the behavior without rejecting your friend. So, if you trust them when they say that this was an isolated incident and have no evidence to the contrary, it is up to you to determine whether there is a way forward.
That being said, this can still be an unhealthy decision if you feel pressured to maintain the relationship or are doing it to avoid confrontation.
Rebuilding Trust After a Non-Consensual Kiss
The decision to continue the friendship after confronting the friend is not the end of the process. When trust is broken, it needs to be rebuilt. Your image of the person has changed and you may be struggling to determine how sincere they are in their apology. You might still not feel safe with them.
Withholding trust is often necessary in social situations. It can protect you from harm and it is the sensible choice at times. In this instance, there is value in not immediately pushing yourself to trust the person. They need to do the work to show you they’re trustworthy before you put yourself in a vulnerable position again.
This is not to say that you should treat everything they do with suspicion, but rather that forgiveness and acceptance do not have to come at the expense of your boundaries. If the relationship is worthwhile and your friend is sincere in their desire to repair it, they will be willing to do the work.
Navigating Consent in Platonic and Romantic Relationships
In both platonic and romantic relationships, non-consensual acts can leave lasting scars. The relationship is put at risk and may not survive this violation. However, consent is dynamic and there is not always one way to interpret a situation. Two incidents that seem similar on the surface may differ considerably when the context is taken into account.
While it is important to consider the definitions of consent and what it means for it to be violated, your personal experience is a crucial factor in moving forward. Recognizing that your friend’s behavior hurt you is a good start.
It is human to suppress certain thoughts and feelings and it helps to share your experience with a third party. In therapy, you can explore whether there are other factors to this incident that you haven’t yet considered. Get in touch with an experienced therapist at Octave today!
Sexual Assault Resources
If you have experience sexual assault and are in need of immediate assistance please use the resources below:
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