Finding The Right Match
Photo by Benoit Gauzere via Unsplash
Imagine this…
You’ve been searching for the one. You’ve scrolled through countless apps, gone on many dates and just when you think they’re the right one... you realize they live in another borough. Location is a key criterion for you, so this is extra frustrating. The thought of going back to the starting line is also annoying, and to be honest, also deflating.
What does it mean to find the right match in therapy?
Finding and connecting with a therapist is like dating. It takes time to find the right one. After scouring the internet, asking friends for recommendations, making cold calls and going to first consult sessions (which often feel like blind dates), you may still wind up empty handed. Add in trying to find a therapist who is affordable, has availability and an office nearby, and it can feel like you’re looking for a unicorn.
What started as a way to improve your self-care practice turns out to be time-consuming and stress-inducing, and easily drops way down -- back to the bottom of the to-do list. (Kind of like getting back on the swipe).
Why is it important to know about this?
As a starting place, it’s helpful to understand that there are different types -- or modalities -- of therapy. There are modalities that are structured and skills based and there are some that are less structured and more exploratory. Some will delve deeper into your past relationships and others will focus more on the present and current problems you’re dealing with. Sometimes therapists may blend these modalities to tailor them to best meet your needs.
Beyond just knowing the basics about a therapist’s approach, here are a few ways to assess if you’re on track to finding the right fit:
You were able to speak openly and honestly about what you were bringing to the space
You don’t feel judged
You feel emotionally safe, heard and cared for
You feel the sense that your therapist “gets it”
You leave feeling like thoughtful questions were asked, even some that you never would have thought of on your own
How do I know who will be a match for me?
Finding the right therapist, just like dating, takes time, some trial and error, and a little bit of magic. Here are just a few things to keep in mind when you’re going through the process:
Some people want a therapist who is very similar to them. Others prefer someone who is not like them in any capacity. Think about your preferences when it comes to finding the right provider and what would feel most comfortable.
If you just can’t stand your therapist’s voice or something about them triggers you, then that likely isn’t just something you can get over. You won’t develop a secret way to hear them differently, that’s okay and definitely warrants a change.
Sometimes two people just aren’t compatible. And just like dating, it’s never a good idea just to settle. While it’s hard to terminate the relationship, you likely won’t reap the full benefit if things just aren’t clicking.
Boundaries are important. Your therapist won’t be your friend but will help model how healthy relationships should function.
Understand that you may not leave the first few sessions with answers and it may not be indicative of the fit. So you may be thinking, “how will I know if this is working?" You’ll start to notice the things that initially brought you to therapy are shifting and changing, and hopefully for the better.
What if I don't think my therapist is a good match for me?
Bring it up with your therapist. If there is a concern around their approach or the focus of the care, mention it. If the challenge is related to their personality or something with less flexibility for change, that is okay, too. The therapist is likely feeling your discomfort. Bring concerns to their attention so you can work together to resolve them. Understand that not every therapist is the right fit for every person. If you don’t feel comfortable bringing this up in session, feel free to reach out the great support team at Octave for guidance.
Just like dating, finding a therapist takes time. It may involve several sessions to get to know each other. It takes trust and communication. It’s hard work and can be challenging at times but when it’s good, it’s great.
Once you find the right match, and eventually you will, all the hard work leading up to it feels worth it.
by Kelli Morin, LMSW
Clinical Matching Specialist, Midtown Manhattan