Supporting A Loved One With A Personality Disorder
Photo by Nick Page via Unsplash
Personality disorders are uniquely complicated – not only for the person with the diagnosis but also for those around them, especially their loved ones. That’s because these disorders impact one's perception of self and others, emotional responses, the ability to relate to others, and the ability to control one’s behavior; in short, it factors into every aspect of your relationship with that person. So, if you find yourself feeling drained, confused, and struggling to support a loved one with a personality disorder, it’s completely understandable.
You’re also not alone: An estimated 9% of Americans have a personality disorder. Some common personality disorders you may have heard of are borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). They can impact how a person thinks, feels, and behaves in a way that causes distress and impairs their ability to function in daily life.
While you cannot change the person you love, you can change the way you address their needs. One of the best ways is education, and if you’re reading this, congrats on already taking the first step in building a better relationship. Here are more ways to support your loved one:
Be Mindful Of Your Language
Talking about personality disorders is probably one of the most stigmatized aspects of having one – there’s often a fixation with labels and stereotypes related to a diagnosis.
If therapists were asked about how personality disorders are depicted in media and movies, many of them would cringe, myself included. Their portrayal is often inaccurate, incomplete, and overly-dramaticized. For those who live with, love, or support a person with a personality disorder, this can lead to a lot of confusion and uncertainty when it comes to navigating the relationship.
Being mindful of the language you use can help reframe the way you and others view personality disorders. For example:
Describe them as “a person with BPD” instead of “they’re borderline.”
Say that they’re “living with OCD” instead of “suffering from OCD.”
Avoid phrases like “you’re paranoid” or “you’re crazy.”
If you’re unsure of how a loved one wants to speak about their personality disorder, it’s always best to ask.
Understand Your Person
While it’s useful to research or look up the personality disorder your loved one is living with, it’s important to remember the person first, and the diagnosis second. Your loved one shouldn’t be simplified to a textbook definition because diagnoses can differ per person. Every person with borderline personality disorder isn’t the same, just as every person with depression isn’t the same.
Ask them questions to gain insight and be supportive, such as: What is your understanding of this diagnosis? In what ways do you think this impacts you? What are some of your triggers? When you’re feeling this, what can I do to support you? Some people may want space, while others want to talk or find physical contact and touch to be soothing.
For yourself, bring awareness to the patterns you may notice that could be triggering for that person or indicative of specific symptoms. You may view someone’s response as being overreactive. However, you can probably relate to a time in which you felt overwhelmed, anxious, or betrayed; remembering this can help you empathize with them and their feelings.
Check Your Expectations
We may have an idealized version of the people we have in our lives, and ways we’d like them to meet our wants and needs. For instance, you may find yourself comparing how a friend’s parent can be nurturing, while yours isn’t. Remind yourself that all relationships are complex and you’re only seeing a snippet of the relationship you think you’d want, but it’s not the full picture.
Despite an expectation that may seem reasonable for most, ask yourself, is this realistic for this person? What are their strengths and challenges? How can they use their strengths to support you? While your loved one is living with symptoms that impact their perception and functioning, this doesn’t mean that you should have low standards for them.
Here’s an example: Family gatherings can be overwhelming for some, and may trigger a lot of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that can be distressing. Let’s say, Sam, who has a personality disorder, reluctantly showed up to your Thanksgiving dinner, even though Thanksgiving reminds them of ways their family wasn’t supportive. They kept to themselves and seemed uncomfortable the whole time, but stayed for an hour. You may have wanted Sam to be more engaged, and now you feel some sadness and disappointment. These feelings and thoughts are valid. Yes, it is disappointing that you invited Sam and they didn’t enjoy themselves. However, if you know Sam’s presence requires a lot of effort and energy, you can acknowledge that they even showed up. These two things don’t need to be in opposition to each other and can exist along a spectrum. You can accept this as being part of the reality of what loving this person involves. Pausing to reflect on different sides of experiences with your loved one can be helpful to develop ways that you can accept the person as a whole.
Protect Your Space
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Having boundaries with loved ones can foster a healthy space to create positive and meaningful relationships. It’s okay to acknowledge there are times when you aren’t in the headspace to be supportive or non-judgmental. It may be helpful to dedicate a specific time when you’re in a good space to be there for your loved one. This can be collaborative.
If you’ve established a boundary with a loved one and they’re testing or disregarding that boundary, redirecting them may be important, and can even help them develop habits to develop healthier relationships with others. For example: “Sam, I don’t want to hear about what another person said about me; let’s talk about something else” or “Sam, I want to speak to you, but remember, the weekend works best for me.”
If you’re having difficulty with boundary setting, it can be helpful to check in with what’s being triggered within you, ways you may be enabling the person, and for you to reflect on ways you can honor yourself within this relationship. Identifying reliable people you can speak to about your thoughts and feelings, or seeking your own counseling may also be supportive to your wellness. In my experience, I’ve supported many clients who struggle with interpersonal relationships or are coping with their own diagnoses that have family members who have or are suspected of having a personality disorder; unpacking this can be very helpful moving forward. Your role is not to be your loved one’s therapist, but to be supportive in ways that are also healthy and realistic for you.
There is no one-size-fits-all to being supportive of the ones we love. My best advice is to check-in when you have the capacity, remain consistent with any guidance, and understand that there is no “cure” for personality disorders. Our patience, love, and kindness are the best support we can give.