Supporting Loved Ones in Their Coming-Out Journey – Lessons From ‘Ted Lasso’
Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters via Unsplash
Coming out is a complex journey that’s unique to each individual, and the role of supportive loved ones is crucial in helping ease that journey.
More and more, we’re seeing thoughtful, nuanced portrayals of this coming out journey in TV and film, and we can all learn so much about what to do — and what not to do — in these depictions. One of my favorite recent examples comes from the Apple TV+’s “Ted Lasso” — what I think is brilliant about this show is its ability to package up serious topics (i.e. depression, divorce, male vulnerability) into light-hearted comedy that portrays the depth of its message.
If you haven’t caught up on Season 3 yet, here’s your spoiler alert!
The recent episode, “La Locker Room Aux Folles” features one coming-out story that’s worth examining as an example of well-meaning allyship with some missteps. Even if you have every intention of being supportive, it’s important to keep in mind some things that may not be as obvious to a heterosexual, cis-gendered person.
Here are some lessons from “Ted Lasso” on how to be the best ally for someone who’s coming out.
What the “Ted Lasso” Characters Got Wrong
If you follow the show, the latest season features the coming-out story of AFC Richmond player Colin Hughes. After an angry fan yells a derogatory slur at the team during halftime, an incident pushes Colin to come out to his team and confront his team captain and close confidant, Isaac.
The show does a nice job of highlighting some of the bumbling that happens when well-intentioned people respond to someone’s coming-out, but there’s more we can learn here:
Responding with Indifference
When Colin tells his team he’s queer, they immediately go quiet, unsure how to respond. Then, a teammate speaks up: “You’re gay, big whoop. But we don’t care. Right, guys?” Then everyone erupts into agreement – they don’t care! Head coach Ted Lasso quickly interjects, correcting his team that they do care.
In an attempt to communicate that this part of you is important, but it doesn't change my love for you, statements like "it doesn't matter" or "I knew it" come off as dismissive and disrespectful. Instead, thank them and say, “I’m so proud of you for sharing this part of yourself with me.”
Making Inappropriate Comparisons
Despite Ted’s best efforts, he steers the conversation to a personal story where he compares his childhood friend’s sports affiliation to Colin’s sexuality. While Ted’s intentions may be rooted in allyship, making the comparison to being a sports fan was dismissive of Colin’s identity.
There are no equivalent experiences to coming-out. It’s a singular experience and doesn’t need to be equated to any other life situation. You can be empathetic without drawing inappropriate parallels.
Taking it Personally
The episode ends with Isaac visiting Colin in his home and admitting that he was angry with Colin for not disclosing his identity sooner. Isaac asks, “What is it about me that made you think you couldn’t tell me?” In this scene, Issac makes the mistake of thinking Colin’s process of coming-out was about him when in reality, it was about Collin coming to terms with his own identity.
This moment isn’t about you. This moment is about them. Remember to prioritize them in this situation. Remember, coming-out isn’t a one-time thing and it varies from person to person. Coming-out to friends is different from family and even colleagues. They are choosing to tell you when they are most comfortable and safe.
Asking Too Many Questions
The episode ends with Isaac playfully peppering Colin with questions about being gay as they play video games together. In the scene, it’s a sign of the two friends getting comfortable with each other again and makes for a funny, heart-warming moment.
In reality, though, it’s important to not push your loved one to answer your questions. During this process, you should be tuning into their body language, tone of voice, and verbal and non-verbal cues. It’s not their responsibility to answer all the questions you might have.
Of course Colin is a fictional TV character who takes these moments in stride – but there’s a valuable lesson to be learned from this episode: our words, behaviors, and intentions matter when someone opens up to us about their identity.
So, if someone comes out to you, how should you respond?
When someone comes out to you, consider…
Thanking them. Coming-out is a massive step for someone to make and is sacred information about their identity. It’s likely a part of themselves they put thought into before sharing with you.
Offering them space. Sharing these inner thoughts, feelings, and aspects of oneself isn’t easy. Tune into their body language and verbal cues – respect if they don’t want to continue discussing it. It’s not personal, they likely just need time and space.
Asking how they’d like to be supported. Take it to the next level by asking them how they’d like you to show up. Showing up can look different in every situation: listening to their fears, sharing in their excitement, or just assuring them that this information lives between both of you.
Ensuring your questions are respectful. If it’s a question you wouldn’t feel comfortable answering if your family asked you, it’s probably not appropriate to ask. Honor and respect their privacy.
Asking about preferred pronouns. This creates an inclusive environment. You can simply ask, “Are your pronouns different?” or “Are you exploring using different pronouns?”
Acknowledging that you may need time. It can feel overwhelming to be the holder of this information. You may need time to process; that’s okay and totally normal. Just don’t do it when they’re coming-out to you.
Educating yourself. If you have questions about their sexuality or identity, it’s your personal responsibility to educate yourself, not theirs. Resources like Glaad, The Trevor Project, or The Genderbread Person can help you better understand gender identity, gender expression, and attraction.
What “Ted Lasso” Showed Us
While the AFC Richmond team didn’t handle Colin’s coming-out as well as they could have despite their best intentions, there are several important takeaways from this episode:
Allies are an important part of feeling connected to our broader community.
Coming-out is best done on one’s own terms.
Some people who receive this information need time to process, but it shouldn't be at the expense of the person who is coming out.
We should prioritize the identities of those who come out to us.
Asking questions is okay when they are respectful and consensual.
Allyship and supporting those choosing to come out now is so important. This year, over 600 anti-LGBTQ+ bills have been introduced in state and local legislatures. LGBTQ+ folks are being made vulnerable by these discriminatory laws and this is something we shouldn’t ignore during the 54th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots. You play an important role in creating safe spaces for your LGBTQ+ loved ones.
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