Understanding the Stages of Grief: A Comprehensive Guide to Coping with Loss
Clinically reviewed by Hailey Perez, LMFT
by Dr. Chelsea Hetherington
Grief is a natural and powerful response to loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or any other significant life change. It’s a deeply personal experience that impacts people emotionally, physically, and psychologically.
Understanding the grieving process will allow you to navigate your emotions, find healthier coping mechanisms, and ultimately heal. While grief can feel overwhelming, recognizing the stages of grief and knowing how to deal with grief can provide guidance during a difficult period of life.
What Is Grief?
Grief is a natural and complex response to a significant loss, whether emotional, physical, or psychological. While grief is often associated with death, grief can stem from various life events that cause a person to feel a deep sense of loss or change.
Common experiences that can trigger grief include:
Death of a loved one or pet
Divorce or breakups
Job loss, retirement, or career change
Major health diagnoses or life-altering events (e.g., miscarriage, chronic illness)
Natural disasters or societal trauma
Loss of a friendship or estrangement from family
Moving to a new city or leaving a familiar environment
Loss of independence due to aging or disability
Infertility or inability to conceive
Major life transitions, such as becoming an empty nester
Grief can manifest in various ways: Emotionally, it can lead to feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety, and confusion. Physically, grief can cause fatigue, changes in appetite, sleep disturbances, and even physical aches and pains.
The Five Stages of Grief
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first introduced the five stages of grief in 1969 as a framework for understanding how people process loss. While originally focused on the loss of a loved one, these stages also apply to other types of loss.
Although the five stages of grief are presented in a set order, people experience them in different ways because grief is not a linear experience. Some may move through the stages in a different order, skip certain stages, or revisit them multiple times.
Stage One: Denial
Denial is often the first reaction to loss, acting as a defense mechanism to protect against the immediate shock. It can create a sense of numbness or disbelief, making it hard to accept reality.
What It Feels Like:
Thinking, “This isn’t happening”
Avoiding discussions about the loss
Feeling disconnected or emotionally numb
How To Cope:
Rather than forcing acceptance, acknowledge that denial is a natural way the mind copes with overwhelming emotions. When you’re ready, gentle reminders of reality—such as looking at pictures, talking about the loss, or journaling—can help. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can also provide comfort and reassurance during this stage.
Stage Two: Anger
As the reality of loss sets in, feelings of frustration, resentment, and helplessness may emerge. Anger might be directed at oneself, others, the situation, or even the person who was lost.
What It Feels Like:
Feeling irritated by small things
Resenting others who don’t seem to understand your grief
Feeling anger toward the person who caused the loss, the situation, or even oneself
How To Cope:
Instead of suppressing anger, acknowledge the feeling and find healthy outlets—such as exercise, creative expression, or journaling—to release pent-up frustration. Talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group can also provide a safe space to process these emotions without judgment.
Stage 3: Bargaining
During this stage, people may dwell on "what if" and "if only" thoughts, trying to regain control or prevent the loss in some imagined way. In this stage, it’s common to make silent deals with a higher power or wonder how different actions could have changed the outcome.
What It Feels Like:
Thinking, “If only I had done this differently, things might have been okay”
Making promises to a higher power in hopes of reversing the loss
Feeling guilty about things said or unsaid
How To Cope:
While it’s tempting to dwell on the past, focusing on the present and what can be controlled moving forward can be more helpful. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that loss is often beyond our control.
Stage 4: Depression
This stage is marked by deep sadness, despair, and sometimes isolation. It’s a response to the overwhelming reality of loss.
What It Feels Like:
Persistent sadness, exhaustion, or loss of motivation
Feeling detached from others and uninterested in things once enjoyed
Struggling with sleep, appetite, or concentration
How To Cope:
Engaging in self-care, such as getting enough rest, eating nutritious meals, and practicing mindfulness, can help maintain emotional and physical well-being. While some solitude can be beneficial, prolonged isolation can worsen depression. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can provide relief.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting about the loss or feeling "okay" about it—it means finding a way to live with it. This stage involves acknowledging the new reality and learning how to move forward while still honoring what’s been lost.
What It Feels Like:
Feeling more at peace with the situation
Starting to engage in life again while carrying the memory of the loss
Having moments of sadness, but also moments of joy
How To Cope:
Engaging in activities that bring comfort and meaning, such as volunteering, creating new traditions, or honoring the memory of the lost person, can be deeply therapeutic. In cases of death, find comfortable ways to talk about the deceased loved one and celebrate cherished memories.
The 6th Stage: Finding Meaning
Grief expert David Kessler later expanded Kübler-Ross’s model by introducing a sixth stage in his book, “Finding Meaning.” While the original five stages focus on processing emotions, this additional stage–finding meaning–encourages people to seek purpose and growth after loss.
What It Feels Like:
Reflecting on how the experience has shaped personal values or outlook
Finding ways to honor the person or situation lost
Engaging in activities that promote healing, such as advocacy or creative expression
Take a Beliefs inventory by exploring feelings about grief, old wounds, how grief was modeled for you growing up and who modeled it.
How To Cope:
Volunteering for causes related to the loss can provide a sense of connection, while exploring spirituality, mindfulness, or personal reflection may bring comfort. Sharing your story can also help others who are grieving and create a sense of healing. Research shows even writing down the story of loss has a positive effect on mental health.
Are There 7 Stages of Grief?
Some models expand on Kübler-Ross’s five-stage framework, proposing a seven-stage model of grief that provides a more detailed perspective on the grieving process. This model includes two additional stages:
Shock: An initial sense of disbelief and numbness, acting as a temporary buffer against overwhelming emotions.
Testing: A phase of exploring new coping strategies and adjusting to life after loss before reaching acceptance.
This model acknowledges that grief can be complex and fluid, with different emotions resurfacing at different times and in different ways.
Factors Influencing the Grieving Process
Many factors can influence how the grieving process impacts someone, including:
Personal factors like personality, coping style, and emotional resilience. Some may grieve openly, while others prefer private reflection.
Culture, religion, and spirituality play a key role in grief. Religious beliefs and community support provide structure and comfort. Rituals and ceremonies like funerals can offer a space for solemn reflection and celebration of a deceased person’s life.
The nature of the loss can impact the grieving process, including the relationship with the deceased and whether the loss was sudden or expected. A sudden or traumatic loss may bring intense shock, while an anticipated loss allows for some emotional preparation.
Age affects how grief is understood and processed. Children may struggle to grasp the permanence of loss and lack appropriate coping skills, while older adults may draw on past experiences to navigate their grief.
Mental health conditions like anxiety or depression can make coping with grief more difficult.
Previous experience with loss shapes how grief is handled. Some may develop resilience, while others may find each new loss more difficult.
Support systems are crucial in the grieving process. Strong relationships with family, friends, or community can provide emotional and practical help, making it easier to cope with loss.
Coping Strategies for Grief
Coping with grief is a challenging process, but healthy coping strategies can provide relief and support healing.
Emotional Coping
Expressing emotions in a healthy way can ease the burden of grief. Journaling your feelings can help identify and understand feelings in the present, separate from what others around may be telling you how to feel. This can also help process emotions and track progress over time. Mindfulness and meditation can provide a sense of calm, helping to manage overwhelming thoughts and emotions.
Physical Coping
Taking care of the body is especially important while coping with grief. Regular exercise, such as walking or yoga, can reduce stress and improve mood. Healthy eating habits ensure the body gets the nutrients it needs, supporting overall well-being. Sleep is also crucial, as grief can disrupt normal sleep patterns.
Social Coping
Connecting with others can provide comfort and a sense of belonging when coping with grief. Joining support groups allows people to share experiences and feel understood. Spending time with friends and family helps prevent isolation and offers emotional support. Even simple social interactions can be a reminder that you aren’t alone in your grief.
When to Seek Professional Help
While grief is a natural process, some people experience a more complex form of grief called complicated grief, where emotions remain intense and unmanageable for an extended period. If you or a loved one are struggling with how to deal with grief on your own, it may be time to seek professional support.
Signs that grief counseling may be needed include:
Grief that lasts for months or years without progress in healing
Difficulty accepting the loss, persistent longing, or an inability to resume daily life
Avoiding reminders of the deceased or being unable to part with their belongings
Emotional numbness or detachment from family and friends
Inability to find meaning or purpose after the loss
Symptoms of depression, anxiety, or PTSD, such as hopelessness, panic attacks, or intrusive thoughts
Self-destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse or reckless actions
Suicidal thoughts or wishing to be with the deceased
Seeking grief counseling or therapy can help process emotions, develop coping strategies, and address any underlying concerns. Whether through in-person or virtual sessions, professional help can offer a path toward healing and emotional recovery.
Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving - Do’s and Don’t’s
If someone you care about is grieving, you may feel at a loss as to how you can support them. Grief is a deeply personal process, and offering the right kind of support can make a significant difference.
Here are some helpful do’s and don’t’s:
Do:
Listen without judgment: Let them express their emotions freely without feeling pressured to “feel better.” Simply being present can be comforting.
Offer practical help: Instead of just saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” take action. Cook meals, run errands, or assist with daily responsibilities. Small gestures can ease their burden.
Be patient: Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. Allow them to grieve at their own pace without expectations.
Respect their space: Some people may need solitude to process their emotions. Balance being supportive without being intrusive.
Don’t:
Use clichés: Phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason” can feel dismissive. Instead, acknowledge their pain by saying, “I’m here for you.”
Pressure them to move on: Telling someone to “move on” or “get over it” minimizes their experience. Grief is an ongoing process, not something to “fix.”
Assume what they need: Instead of guessing, ask if they’d prefer company, help, or space.
Disappear: Grief doesn’t end quickly. Continue offering support in the weeks and months ahead.
Conclusion
Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a significant life change, or a traumatic event, understanding the stages of grief and recognizing its manifestations can help you process your emotions and find ways to cope.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s important to give yourself or others the time and space needed to grieve. Remember, everyone’s journey is unique, and there’s no “right” way to grieve. If you’re struggling to cope or feeling overwhelmed, seek support from friends, family, or a professional. In the words of David Kessler, “Grief is as unique as our fingerprints.” Grief counseling, support groups, and therapy can offer invaluable help and guidance during difficult times.
You don’t have to navigate grief alone—reach out for help when you need it, and take steps toward healing at your own pace.