How to Stop Self-Sabotaging in Relationships
Written by: Janelle Martel
Clinically reviewed by: Channing Richmond, LMFT
Relationships with others are an important part of human life. However, for some, perhaps due to difficulty with intimacy or a fear of being hurt or abandoned, self-sabotaging behavior can become a problem in relationships. In this article, we’ll cover signs of self-sabotaging in relationships, why individuals might self-sabotage, and provide you with tools to manage this behavior to build more authentic, meaningful relationships.
If an individual fears failure or has low self-esteem, they might engage in a behavior called self-sabotage.
What is Self-Sabotaging?
Self-sabotaging refers to any behavior that derails progress toward a certain goal. There are several reasons why people might sabotage their own goals, including a fear of failure or rejection, low self-esteem, and past traumatic experiences. A person might be aware that they are partaking in this self-sabotaging behavior, or they might not be. For example, an individual who is fearful of failing a big test might unknowingly procrastinate on studying because then, if they do poorly on the test, it would be the result of poor preparation rather than a reflection on their level of ability. While self-sabotaging can occur in any area of your life, some individuals sabotage their own relationships. This can lead to missing out on the benefits of positive, fulfilling relationships.
Self-Sabotaging Behaviors in Relationships
Self-sabotaging in relationships can occur in a variety of ways. Because individuals may not be aware that they are hindering themselves, this can make it more difficult to identify self-sabotaging behaviors. For example, if an individual felt really content in a relationship and then suddenly felt a need to push the other person away or leave the relationship, then it might be a sign that they are engaging in self-sabotage. Oftentimes, this behavior occurs across multiple relationships. Here are some of the most common signs of self-sabotaging in relationships:
Gaslighting: In addition to gaslighting others, individuals can gaslight themselves. This can be any untrue thoughts that lead a person to doubt themselves. For example, an individual might tell themselves that they don’t deserve a good relationship or that they aren’t a good partner. These thoughts can then lead to behaviors that are destructive to the relationship.
Defensiveness: To avoid getting hurt themselves or due to their own insecurities, an individual might become defensive, which can look like blaming their partner, deflecting, or over-exaggerating how hurt they are by the behavior of others. While defensiveness might offer protection in the short term, it can lead to conflict and prevent individuals from working through smaller issues in their relationship, which can result in bigger issues.
Grudges: Holding grudges is a common form of self-sabotage and may be the result of difficulty coping with negative emotions like hurt or embarrassment. An individual may also hold a grudge against their partner as an unconscious way to prevent themselves from feeling let down. However, by holding grudges, resentment and conflict can build up, which can lead to the demise of the relationship.
Unrealistic Expectations: Setting unrealistically high expectations for their partner is another way that people might self-sabotage their relationships. Sometimes, they may seem to focus on many small issues. By setting these impossibly high expectations, they set their partner up for failure, which gives them a reason to end the relationship.
Trust Issues: If an individual has trouble trusting their partner despite their partner not having betrayed their trust, this can create conflict. The individual may search for proof to support their distrust, accusing their partner of things that they haven’t done.
Limited Relationship Skills: If an individual hasn’t had secure relationships in the past, then they might lack important relationship skills, like communication. In addition to creating conflict within the relationship, this can lead to self-doubt, which can be directly connected to self-sabotage.
Avoiding Intimacy: For individuals with low self-esteem or who fear rejection, avoiding intimacy can be a way to protect themselves from possible rejection. Unfortunately, this can create conflict within the relationship.
Blaming Your Partner: A tendency to blame your partner rather than accept responsibility or work through things together can be a coping method, especially for someone who has low self-esteem. However, it creates resentment within the relationship.
Signs Your Partner Is Self-Sabotaging
Individuals might also experience conflict in relationships if their partner is engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors. Sometimes, their partner might not even be aware that their behaviors are self-detrimental. Here are some signs that your partner might be self-sabotaging:
Gaslighting You: Gaslighting occurs when your partner says things that make you doubt yourself or question your reality. For example, your partner might lead you to believe that their career is more important than yours or downplay your accomplishments.
Trust Issues: If you notice that your partner is questioning you and shows a lack of trust in your actions, even if you did nothing to break their trust, they may be engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors.
Jealousy Issues: You might notice that your partner is jealous of the time that you spend with others, even if you make a regular commitment to spending quality time with them.
Unrealistic Expectations: As your relationship progresses, your partner might expect more out of you or hold you to impossibly high expectations. This gives them a reason for ending the relationship while protecting against their fears of failure or rejection.
Constant Criticisms: In addition to holding you to unrealistic expectations, it might seem like your partner is criticizing every little thing that you do. This provides another easy way to push you away.
What Causes People to Self-Sabotage Their Relationships?
There are a number of reasons why people might sabotage their relationships. By understanding why this behavior is occurring, it is easier to take steps to manage it. Here are some common reasons why people self-sabotage:
Childhood Trauma
Having traumatic experiences in childhood can play a role in individuals engaging in self-sabotaging behavior. For example, if a child was constantly criticized when growing up or held to impossibly high expectations, then they might develop low self-esteem that lasts into adulthood. They may have also faced repeated rejection during their childhood years, perhaps from their parents or peers, which can lead to rejection trauma. Rejection trauma is associated with an increased sensitivity to rejection and can impact self-esteem and relationships.
Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem, perhaps due to past trauma, can be a contributing factor in self-sabotaging behaviors. When an individual has low self-esteem, they may unconsciously self-sabotage so that their reality aligns with their inner beliefs about themselves. Self-sabotaging behavior also gives the person control over what happens. If they self-sabotage and the relationship doesn’t work out, then it is due to these behaviors rather than a character flaw on their part.
Fear of Abandonment
A fear of being abandoned can be a factor in why people self-sabotage, which can sometimes arise from being abandoned in the past, such as during childhood. Whether consciously or not, when people self-sabotage a relationship, they are causing the relationship to end for other reasons, preventing any potential abandonment.
Fear of Commitment
Commitment requires a great deal of vulnerability, which can make some people uncomfortable. It can also lead to more heartbreak if the relationship ends up not working out. Some individuals may also feel uncomfortable with the unknown and, if they haven’t been in a committed long-term relationship before, may feel nervous about commitment because they aren’t sure how it will feel. If you have a fear of commitment, then you might notice yourself pulling away or engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors when the relationship becomes more serious. Talks about commitment or taking the relationship to the next level may also make you feel uneasy.
Fear of Getting Hurt
If you are worried about getting hurt in the relationship, then you might engage in self-sabotaging behaviors in order to take control of the situation. If the relationship comes to an end because of the conflict that was created from the self-sabotaging behaviors, then it may be less painful than the relationship ending for other reasons.
Past Trauma
In addition to childhood traumatic experiences, trauma in adulthood can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors. For example, if someone experienced an abusive relationship in the past, they may engage in self-sabotage to gain control over the relationship and prevent themselves from getting hurt as they did in the past.
Tools to Stop Self-Sabotaging in Relationships
Identifying self-sabotaging behaviors can be difficult, but it’s an important first step in your healing journey. Below are some methods that you can start implementing to help manage any self-sabotaging behavior.
Self-Reflection
Self-reflection can help you recognize your self-sabotaging behaviors, which can help introduce more productive behaviors. Some individuals find that journaling is a good way to reflect and understand their thoughts and feelings, and science backs this up. Pennebaker found that by writing about traumatic experiences, individuals were able to organize their thoughts, improving their overall resilience in daily life. This process of self-reflection can also help to improve overall emotional well-being, with Baikie and Wilhelm finding that journaling can help individuals improve their mood and reduce stress levels.
Because self-sabotage involves behaviors that are inconsistent with your goals, you might first start by identifying your goals and what you want in life. Then, you can ask yourself if specific behaviors are helping you in obtaining what you want. For example, if you wish to be more vulnerable in your relationship to develop a closer connection, then pulling away from your partner after discussing taking the relationship to the next level would not align with what you desire. You might also tune in to what you feel when things become more serious and vulnerable.
If you do find that you are engaging in behaviors of self-sabotage, you might start to reflect on why. By taking the time to self-reflect, you’re more likely to be aware of when you start to use these self-sabotaging behaviors and take the time to work through your feelings.
Identifying Triggers
When self-reflecting, you might start to notice a pattern of when you self-sabotage. For example, if you tend to engage in self-sabotaging behavior when the relationship becomes more serious, then this may stem from a fear of commitment or intimacy. Identifying triggers can help you to become more compassionate towards yourself and understand why you tend to engage in these behaviors of self-sabotage. You can then start to think about how you can honor your feelings and make small changes to help you progress towards what you want.
If you’re having trouble identifying your triggers, a mindfulness practice can be helpful. This can help you to become aware of what is happening in a given moment without having an emotional reaction to the situation that can lead to a reaction. You might try taking time to meditate, practice mindful breathing, or perform a body scan to help you learn to observe without judgment.
Open Communication
Creating more open communication within your relationship can help to stop the damage that self-sabotaging behaviors can cause. For example, if you have identified that you are holding your partner to unrealistic expectations, rather than ignoring this behavior, you can take responsibility for your actions. This helps to challenge the self-sabotaging behavior while helping to build a deeper connection with your partner. Open communication also helps you to better understand your partner’s feelings, rather than making assumptions. Finally, if you have difficulty with intimacy, communicating openly can help you overcome this fear.
To introduce more open communication into your relationship, it can be helpful to incorporate “I” statements, practice active listening, and ask open-ended questions:
“I feel unseen when you are looking at your phone while I’m taking to you”. This helps to communicate to your partner how you are feeling without putting blame on them.
“I am overwhelmed; can you please help me with meal preparation?”. This clearly communicates your needs to your partner.
“So that made you feel frustrated. Am I understanding that correctly?” This demonstrates active listening, as it shows your partner that you are hearing them and asks a clarifying question.
“How was work today?” This is an open-ended question that allows your partner to give you more than a “yes” or “no” answer.
Understanding Your Attachment Style
Because childhood experiences can be a factor in why someone engages in self-sabotaging behavior, attachment style, which is based on the first relationship formed with your caregivers, can be an important factor. Both avoidant and anxious types of attachment are associated with self-sabotaging behaviors. An avoidant attachment style often occurs because of an emotionally distant caregiver, leading to the tendency to push people away. An anxious attachment style is typically the result of an unavailable or unreliable caregiver and can lead to low self-esteem and self-worth. Understanding your attachment style can not only help you to understand why you are self-sabotaging, but you can also work to change your attachment style. If you think you have an avoidant or anxious attachment style, a therapist can help you further understand your attachment style and take measures to create a more secure attachment style.
Self-Esteem Building
As self-sabotaging behavior is often related to low self-esteem, working on building your self-esteem can help to manage self-defeating behavior. One way to build self-esteem is to start a gratitude journal, where you write down what you are thankful for each day. This can help train your brain to identify positive experiences and feelings and help you see your self-worth. To further develop self-worth, you can practice setting small goals for yourself. As you achieve these goals, celebrating your success can help to build your belief in yourself.
Behaviors like negative self-talk and comparing yourself to others can damage your self-esteem, so working to identify and challenge your negative self-talk can be helpful. If you find that you are constantly comparing yourself to others, then you might consider taking time off of social media and take time to focus on yourself, practicing self-care through good eating, exercise, and stress management practices. If negative self-talk is an issue, it can be helpful to replace these negative thoughts with positive thoughts. One way to do this is through affirmations. After identifying your negative thoughts, you can take the time to think about what is true to challenge these thoughts. For example, if you have a recurring thought that you are not a good enough partner, you might try to replace this with an affirmation like “I am worthy of being loved”. Saying this out loud can help your brain start to recognize it as true.
Seeking Professional Help
If you’re struggling with self-sabotaging behavior in relationships, talk therapy can be helpful. A trained therapist can help you identify the reasons for your self-sabotaging behavior and become more aware of when you are engaging in self-sabotage. They can then create a plan with you to manage this behavior. Because self-sabotaging behavior can be due to past traumas, a therapist can support you by providing you with tools and strategies to help you cope with these negative past experiences.
How to Support Yourself to Stop Self-Sabotaging in Relationships
Although self-sabotaging behavior can create conflict and lead to the demise of relationships, it doesn’t have to. By working to identify and understand the cause of your self-sabotaging behavior, you can make efforts to change your behavior and support any fears or trauma that may have led to the tendency to self-sabotage. Trying talk therapy can help you better understand why you are self-sabotaging and provide you with support in overcoming fears and trauma. Couples therapy can also help to improve your communication and deepen your connection with your partner, which can further help with overcoming self-sabotaging behaviors.