How to Know If Your Therapist Is the Right Fit
Photo by Ben Stern via Unsplash
By Julie Siegel, LCSW
Octave Therapist
Therapy can be a long and complicated journey. If you think of it like an epic road trip, you want to have someone with you who can help you navigate, is equipped to handle the bumps in the road, and will stick through the challenges as much as the adventures. A therapist is your road trip partner, and it’s important to know if you have the right one for you.
Research has shown that the quality of your relationship with your therapist - also called the therapeutic alliance - is the most important factor in determining whether your therapy will be successful. If you’re not noticing progress in your therapy journey, especially after some time, you may consider if your therapist is the right fit.
The Basics of Therapist Fit
What qualities should you look for in a therapist? There are some qualities that are universally important and some that come down to personal preference.
Everyone should seek out a therapist who is empathetic, non-judgmental, curious, attuned to your feelings, and a good listener. You should feel as though your therapist genuinely cares about you and that the therapeutic relationship remains appropriately one-sided – meaning that your therapist doesn’t talk about their own problems.
Take Jason Segel’s character, Jimmy Laird, in the new Apple TV+ series, “Shrinking.” He’s a great example of what you would never want in a therapist: He injects his personal issues into sessions, he’s too emotionally invested in his clients lives, and he uses much of his life experience to guide his clients’ treatment. While some of the situations he finds himself in may be exaggerated for entertainment, most of his clients are experiencing a bad therapist fit.
But other qualities come down to choice. For example, someone might prefer a therapist of a similar gender, race, religion, age, or sexual orientation. This can be especially supportive and affirming for people from underserved groups, though it’s important to consider that even those with similar identities can have varying experiences, approaches, and perspectives.
Therapeutic style can also play a role. Some people prefer a therapist who’s very warm and validating, while others want someone who is more direct and willing to challenge them.
Of course, different therapists also have different areas of expertise, which can also impact therapist fit. For example, someone who wants to work on healing past trauma might seek out a therapist with expertise in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy or Cognitive Processing Therapy – both are popular therapy modalities that are used to treat trauma.
As you’re finding the right fit, here are some questions you can ask your prospective therapist:
Do you have a history of working with clients similar to me?
What is your style or approach as a therapist?
What can I expect in our sessions?
What is your therapeutic perspective, training, or beliefs about therapy?
Ask yourself whether you feel comfortable with them, and if you can see yourself opening up to this person.
Is It Just the Process, or Is It Your Therapist Fit?
Therapy is a tough process, and it’s common for you to feel worse before feeling better. A therapist is going to challenge you to uncover painful parts of your life or confront vulnerabilities you’ve been avoiding, and it will be uncomfortable.
Take those feelings seriously, and try to notice where this discomfort is coming from: Is it a natural part of “doing the work,” or do you feel judged or shamed? Disrespected around your cultural beliefs? Is there a lack of chemistry?
Here are some ways to tell if you and your therapist are on the right track:
You’re on the same page about therapy goals and what you’re trying to accomplish together.
You feel comfortable and safe sharing private thoughts and feelings with them. You might feel less comfortable sharing when you first start working with a new therapist, but you should feel your comfort level increase over time.
Their personal style, whether asking lots of questions or taking a more passive role in session, works well for you. They’re receptive to making adjustments when you ask them to.
Your boundaries are respected. For instance, if you say you aren’t ready to talk about a particular topic, your therapist should respect that boundary and not probe further.
You want help with a specific need or issue that requires specialized training and your therapist has that training.
The relationship feels like a true partnership, rather than the therapist being the “one in charge.”
Therapy is helping on a day-to-day basis. Have realistic expectations, but there should be some degree of progress made, like learning new coping skills, understanding yourself better, or noticing a reduction in symptoms.
It’s important to recognize and acknowledge your feelings, and if after several sessions (usually I recommend at least three sessions) you still don’t feel comfortable, it’s probably time to try a new therapist.
Bad Fit? Don't Just Ghost Your Therapist
If you don’t feel like it’s the right fit, what should you do next?
The first thing you should do is open up the conversation with your therapist about it. Don't hold back from talking about how you feel, even if it's a difficult conversation. Don’t just ghost your therapist. Instead, challenge yourself to explore it with your therapist, as this discomfort can lead to growth.
Although you might feel anxious about having this conversation, or fearful of hurting your therapist’s feelings, remember that your therapist is trained and able to handle these conversations without taking it personally. Your therapist wants you to be honest and further explore your feelings together, so you can clarify what you want and get the help you need, whether it’s with them or with someone else.
Start the conversation by simply stating how you’re feeling: “I’ve been thinking about our sessions, and I’m not sure if this feels like the right fit for me,” then allow them to guide the conversation further. This discussion could either help strengthen your relationship or confirm that the fit may be off. If you decide to stop, it's important that you and your therapist have the opportunity to process your decision and say goodbye, rather than ending abruptly or without talking about it.
Fit with a therapist can also change over time. As you work on yourself and achieve your goals, you might find that your needs change. It’s okay to outgrow a therapist and look for someone who can help you in different ways. Your current therapist should be able to offer recommendations to other practitioners who are trained in different skills or modalities.
But also consider that your therapist is human, just like you, and will at times make mistakes. Reflect on whether you may be repeating old patterns by ending a relationship or distancing yourself to avoid conflict, rather than discussing what may have felt unhelpful in session. If avoidance is a pattern that’s common in your life, it’s even more important that you address your concerns with your therapist. Talking about your frustrations or doubts in therapy can help strengthen and repair your relationship, heal old wounds, and ensure that you’re not repeating old relational patterns.
Having a bad therapy match does not mean that your therapist is a bad therapist, that you’ve done something wrong, or that therapy can’t help you – it just means that you and your therapist aren’t well suited for one another, and it’s okay to switch.
Need to find a new therapist? With over 1,000 therapists who have been carefully selected, Octave can help you find the right match to fit your mental health needs.