Too Easygoing? You May Be People-Pleasing and It’s Time to Break the Habit
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You may seem easygoing, you go with the flow, and people like this about you because you tend to be highly attuned to others’ needs. Others describe you as kind and giving.
These are all positive traits, but try asking yourself why you behave this way. If it’s rooted in a fear of rejection, you may be people-pleasing and it can be harmful to your sense of self when you put your own needs on the backburner.
What is People-Pleasing?
A people-pleaser is a person who has the emotional tendency to put others’ needs and happiness before their own. They may focus more on getting others’ approval in order to be viewed positively in relationships. Sacrificing our own satisfaction can lead to less authentic relationships, limited emotional connection, and can eventually build patterns of resentment.
You may not be a people-pleaser in every relationship. You may find yourself overly agreeable in certain relationships, environments, or communities, while more expressive in others. Maybe you’re assertive at work but within your family you tend to be more passive. Wherever you may be taking the role of people-pleaser, changing these tendencies can be critical to improving overall satisfaction and self-esteem.
Identifying the Behavior of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing often starts in childhood, at times as a way to maintain safety in relationships, or as learned behavior. It can manifest from perfectionism, underlying insecurities, fear of rejection or abandonment, fear of punishment or negative consequences, or avoidance of guilt. Usually, it’s a coping mechanism that keeps the peace, avoids conflict, and makes us feel accepted. But it ultimately limits us in our relationships and diminishes our self-worth. If you think that you may be more than easygoing and actually be a people-pleaser, start by determining if you relate to these signs:
You have difficulty expressing your opinions or feelings.
You communicate passively, deferring to others to make decisions.
You are overly accommodating and forgiving.
You have difficulties setting boundaries and saying “no.”
You feel burned out or resentful in relationships.
You avoid conflict at all costs.
Being Easygoing vs Being a People-Pleaser
You might still think that people-pleasing sounds similar to being easygoing. But there is a big difference that’s actually reflected in the terminology. Being easygoing should be… easy! It means not taking things too seriously and going with the flow. In contrast, people-pleasing will have you bending over backwards as you stress about everyone else’s needs.
Some of the behaviors of an easygoing person appear the same as those of a people-pleaser. However, it is in the patterns and habits which form that the gap widens.
In contrast to the signs that you may be people-pleasing, if you are easygoing you will relate to the following:
You’re confident expressing your opinions or feelings but you don’t get too attached to them.
You listen to the opinions and feelings of others with an open mind.
You are decisive when you consider something important but willingly defer to others in other cases.
You set boundaries – and are willing to say “no” – without being too rigid about them.
You accommodate and forgive people if doing so does not come at the expense of your boundaries.
You are energized by your relationships.
You engage in conflict when necessary.
You apologize when you are in the wrong.
Unlike with people pleasing, these behaviors are not exhausting but rather make your life easier. You don’t engage in them due to anxiety or fear, but rather from a sense of contentment and ease.
How to Stop People-Pleasing & Learn to be More Assertive
People pleasing is probably a behavior you’ve been practicing for many years. Breaking the habit will not happen overnight. But by consistently working on unlearning the beliefs that lead you to people please, you will start to find the capacity to be assertive in appropriate situations.
Here are a few steps to work through people-pleasing behavior:
1. Name the emotions and dig deep.
Are you afraid to express yourself? What other emotions come up? Do you fear rejection, punishment, or conflict? Have you had experiences in the past to support these fears?
2. Acknowledge the pros and the cons of people-pleasing.
Have compassion for how people-pleasing has been useful in the past, though has also limited your authenticity. Self-compassion will create openness to change.
3. Challenge your thoughts and assumptions about changing.
Look for alternate possibilities and outcomes. Rejection is not the only outcome; you can work through conflict. People who love you may surprise you by being supportive.
4. Reframe your beliefs about yourself.
You can be both empathetic and considerate while expressing yourself and setting boundaries. We’re all capable of finding that balance.
5. Identify your needs and boundaries.
At times, it can be hard to determine our boundaries. If you’re not sure where to start, notice what your body is saying to you when interacting with others – do you feel your body tensing when you agree to something? This may signal that you are uncomfortable or that your boundaries have been crossed. Tuning into your body is a step toward recognizing what you want.
6. Aim for assertive communication.
Consider the way you communicate – check in with your tone and body language and send clear signals. Resentment can lead us to communicate aggressively or passive-aggressively (saying one thing, but meaning another). Use “I” statements to share your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, saying “I disagree” rather than “You’re wrong.” Try to communicate in a direct yet gentle manner that feels authentic, honest, and respectful.
7. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Rehearse beforehand. Communicate your feelings or opinions about something small – name the movie you’d like to see or where you’d prefer to eat dinner. Then move onto the larger issues. Be honest with yourself and remember you can’t please everyone.
What If People Aren’t Pleased?
It is important that you remember that you don’t have to apologize for your feelings or needs, or when it’s not your fault. If you’re unsure about how to respond in the moment, take time to respond and say “I’ll get back to you.” Move away from making excuses or using white lies as a way of saying no.
Changing your dynamic with others isn’t easy, so be compassionate toward yourself during this process. At times, people may not respond the way you’d like. Since this is a shift in your behavior, it may be met with confusion or push-back. For instance, if a friend or partner appears insensitive to your newly expressed needs or feelings, you can reference previous situations where you haven’t authentically been yourself and how that has impacted you. Have a transparent conversation about your need to be more direct and honest, which will ultimately benefit your relationship with them.
It Will Take Time to Stop People-Pleasing
Give yourself some grace and positive affirmations as you start moving away from people-pleasing behavior. Opening yourself up to disagreeing with others or having conflict is the exact situation you’ve been trying to avoid. Remember to lean on your community for support, and consider starting therapy to both gain further awareness and empower yourself to change your behavior.
The best guidance I can give is to choose to be an active participant in your relationships – to be more assertive and less passive – in order to build more fulfilling, lasting relationships.
People-Pleasing FAQs
What is the root cause of people-pleasing?
People-pleasing generally begins in childhood, often when the person is growing up in a home that is tense and filled with conflict. However, it can also stem from low self-esteem, abandonment issues, and even from receiving excessive praise for always putting others’ needs first. Identifying the root causes of your people pleasing habits is important in order to heal.
How to stop being a people-pleaser?
It will take time and effort to stop being a people pleaser. The steps that I outlined above will help you get started in changing these behaviors. A therapist can help you get further along in your journey. They will work with you to identify how you developed this habit, challenge assumptions that you have internalized as facts, and give you skills for being more assertive in relationships.
What trauma causes people-pleasing?
Abusive or neglectful parenting can lead to people pleasing, as can traumas such as sudden loss or violent conflict. That said, people respond to trauma in different ways. Some start people pleasing as a coping mechanism while others may engage in even more conflict in order to attain a sense of control.
What is the difference between people-pleasing and kindness?
Whereas people pleasing is a coping mechanism used to avoid external conflict, kindness is a trait that goes two ways. In a healthy person, it extends to oneself as well as to others. When a person helps out of kindness, it therefore does not come at the cost of their own needs and doesn’t lead to resentment.