Too Easygoing? You May Be People-Pleasing and It’s Time to Break the Habit
Photo by Giorgio Trovato via Unsplash
You may seem easygoing, you go with the flow, and people like this about you because you tend to be highly attuned to others’ needs. Others describe you as kind and giving.
These are all positive traits, but try asking yourself why you behave this way. If it’s rooted in a fear of rejection, you may be people-pleasing and it can be harmful to your sense of self when you put your own needs on the backburner.
A people-pleaser is a person who has the emotional tendency to put others’ needs and happiness before their own. They may focus more on getting others’ approval in order to be viewed positively in relationships. Sacrificing our own satisfaction can lead to less authentic relationships, limited emotional connection, and can eventually build patterns of resentment.
You may not be a people-pleaser in every relationship. You may find yourself overly agreeable in certain relationships, environments, or communities, while more expressive in others. Maybe you’re assertive at work but within your family you tend to be more passive. Wherever you may be taking the role of people-pleaser, changing these tendencies can be critical to improving overall satisfaction and self-esteem.
Identifying the Behavior
Start by determining if you relate to these signs:
You have difficulty expressing your opinions or feelings.
You communicate passively, deferring to others to make decisions.
You are overly accommodating and forgiving.
You have difficulties setting boundaries and saying “no.”
You feel burned out or resentful in relationships.
You avoid conflict at all costs.
People-pleasing often starts in childhood, at times as a way to maintain safety in relationships, or as learned behavior. It can manifest from perfectionism, underlying insecurities, fear of rejection or abandonment, fear of punishment or negative consequences, or avoidance of guilt. Usually, it’s a coping mechanism that keeps the peace, avoids conflict, and makes us feel accepted. But it ultimately limits us in our relationships and diminishes our self-worth.
Learning to be More Assertive
Here are a few steps to work through people-pleasing behavior:
1. Name the emotions and dig deep.
Are you afraid to express yourself? What other emotions come up? Do you fear rejection, punishment, or conflict? Have you had experiences in the past to support these fears?
2. Acknowledge the pros and the cons.
Have compassion for how people-pleasing has been useful in the past, though has also limited your authenticity. Self-compassion will create openness to change.
3. Challenge your thoughts and assumptions about changing.
Look for alternate possibilities and outcomes. Rejection is not the only outcome; you can work through conflict. People who love you may surprise you by being supportive.
4. Reframe your beliefs about yourself.
You can be both empathetic and considerate while expressing yourself and setting boundaries. We’re all capable of finding that balance.
5. Identify your needs and boundaries.
At times, it can be hard to determine our boundaries. If you’re not sure where to start, notice what your body is saying to you when interacting with others – do you feel your body tensing when you agree to something? This may signal that you are uncomfortable or that your boundaries have been crossed. Tuning into your body is a step toward recognizing what you want.
6. Aim for assertive communication.
Consider the way you communicate – check in with your tone and body language and send clear signals. Resentment can lead us to communicate aggressively or passive-aggressively (saying one thing, but meaning another). Use “I” statements to share your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, saying “I disagree” rather than “You’re wrong.” Try to communicate in a direct yet gentle manner that feels authentic, honest, and respectful.
7. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Rehearse beforehand. Communicate your feelings or opinions about something small – name the movie you’d like to see or where you’d prefer to eat dinner. Then move onto the larger issues. Be honest with yourself and remember you can’t please everyone.
What If People Aren’t Pleased?
Don’t apologize for your feelings or needs, or when it’s not your fault. If you’re unsure about how to respond in the moment, take time to respond and say “I’ll get back to you.” Move away from making excuses or using white lies as a way of saying no.
Changing your dynamic with others isn’t easy, so be compassionate toward yourself during this process. At times, people may not respond the way you’d like. Since this is a shift in your behavior, it may be met with confusion or push-back. For instance, if a friend or partner appears insensitive to your newly expressed needs or feelings, you can reference previous situations where you haven’t authentically been yourself and how that has impacted you. Have a transparent conversation about your need to be more direct and honest, which will ultimately benefit your relationship with them.
Give yourself some grace and positive affirmations as you start moving away from people-pleasing behavior. Opening yourself up to disagreeing with others or having conflict is the exact situation you’ve been trying to avoid. Remember to lean on your community for support, and consider starting therapy to both gain further awareness and empower yourself to change your behavior.
The best guidance I can give is to choose to be an active participant in your relationships – to be more assertive and less passive – in order to build more fulfilling, lasting relationships.